Archive Page 2
So, I’ve been getting a lot of backlash regarding the increase of man bashing that’s been going on in my writing. I mean, what can I say? Certain things have um, inspired me lately. However, I need y’all to calm down a little bit. First of all, it’s really not that serious. Someone told me that I can’t talk about a serious subject, then write it off in jest. Really, I didn’t know I couldn’t do that, sir. Also, I’m not talking about the AIDS epidemic or prisoner torture–I’m talking about fucking dating. Which, fortunately, to me, isn’t that serious. Probably because I never want to get married or have kids, so it’s not really a priority to me. But I digress. Yes, I am quite aware that women are known to do some ridiculous shit as well. I’m not really sure how I’m going to write this, because I usually am involved in friendship situations with chicks and only hear some things about them from my guy friends…but I’ll put in the effort if it’ll make you men calm the eff down. Goodness.
1. Ladies, I really need you to stop trying to steal your friends’ boyfriends. Yea, okay, you thought you were going to meet the dude of your dreams by the time you were 24 and were supposed to get married on the beach in a light blue strapless flowing gown with 300 of your closest friends…ooooh, and then you woke up. So why don’t you suck it up and act like a real friend and frickin’ be happy for your girl? You skank. ALSO, if you get caught, omg, please, PLEASE, do not start crying and begging your friend to still love you and you didn’t mean to do it and you guys should never let a guy come between you….You probably should have thought of that before you started giving him hickies in the back of his pickup. You don’t deserve good friends. Next.
2. What’s up with the unnecessary competition between female friends?! I’m going to have to say, personally, I only like cute people, so I love it when I go out with my girls and they are looking extra fierce. I find it so ridiculous when you walk into a room to meet your friends and one of them goes, “Oh *frown*, aw, you look cuter than me.” What, ho? Dumbest girl shit to say ever. Who’s to blame for that? There are only two possible answers for this: God and you. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, worry about yourself. Shit man. Grow up.
3. This one is really funny to me. Let’s get something straight right now. No one particularly enjoys being overweight. Now, there are some people who might be comfortable with their size, but no one walks into McD’s everyday saying, “Man, I can’t wait to get fat! I love these fucking rolls on the back of my neck!” So ladies, please stop faking and do not a) talk shit about your friends when they are dedicated to fitness and try to make them feel bad about themselves because your ass is too lazy to go to the gym and b) if you are losing weight, whether it’s on purpose or not, do not fucking complain about it. Because, really, who doesn’t like losing weight unless it’s due to a terminal illness? Dummy.
4. Do not try to change a man’s mind regarding how he feels about you or what he’s trying to get out of your relationship. It’s going to bite you in the ass, and in the end the only thing I can say is, “I told you so.” You date a guy for a couple of months and he’s like, “We’re just having fun, I don’t want to have a relationship.” OKAY LADIES. AT THIS MOMENT, you either accept the status of your current relationship or you get the fuck out, and get out quickly. Don’t continue to think, “Maybe if I cook for him enough and show him that I’ll be a good girlfriend he’ll fall in love with me.” Men are hard-headed!! And you were lucky enough to have a guy who didn’t want to lead you on. Leave it alone and move on. Otherwise, you’re just going to start becoming super needy and ridiculous. And baby, we don’t want that. I don’t want that for you.
5. Calling dibs or being super possessive of a guy, when you really have no claim over him. You’re going to look maaaaad ignorant and crazy, not only to the guy you’re directing this towards, but to all your friends as well. And they’re going to talk about you behind your back. And I, personally, am going to giggle at you in your face and call you a crazy ho. Yea I know, especially when you’re drunk as hell you start thinking of all this crazy stuff. I will admit, with alcohol to fuel the fire, I have been like, the queen of developing conspiracy theories in my head. That shit has GOT to stop and usually make no sense when you sober up. So just consider this beforehand and blame it on the alcohol–but ignore it.
6. Do not date a guy who treats you like shit for months, bitch about him to all your friends, which will ultimately make them hate his guts, then CONTINUE to date him!!!! Really, chick? What the fuck? I can’t even feel sorry for you now, and everything bad that I’ve said about guys has been canceled out by your inability to act normal and leave a really shitty situation. And also, here’s another result of your stupid actions–your friends aren’t going to want to be around old boy due to all the shit you said about him, so now you either have to alienate your friends or be one hell of a juggler between your relationship and your friends. So, think. You alienate your friends, and then all you have left is the asshole who’s treating you like shit in the first place. Because that’s healthy. I once had a friend who dated this guy–he didn’t treat her like complete shit, but he was def a little possessive and off. They had the EXACT SAME argument everyday, and she’d always come to me bitching and crying about it. Finally, I told her, “Dude look, if you don’t want to break up with him that’s on you, but seriously, I can’t hear about this anymore. It’s just painful to hear the same thing everyday and nothing is being done to resolve the situation.” SO, she got MAD AT ME because I was being a bad friend because I didn’t want to listen to her whining anymore. Yea, that was one of the reasons I realized her ass was crazy. We no longer speak.
7. Getting mad at the chick your boyfriend is cheating on you with if she didn’t know about you. I mean, it’s a definite possibility that he said he didn’t have a girlfriend in order to get in the other chick’s pants. So honestly, I know it sucks, but it’s really not her fault. It can be hard not to lunge for the person that you have a better chance of beating up when you walk in on them in bed or something, but just let the poor girl get dressed and leave. However, if she knew that you were the guy’s girlfriend and is blatantly trying to take your man, super soak both of them with vinegar (lol, I just thought of that, oh man, they’d stink SO BAD! giggle) and proceed to leave and saunter down the street like the sexy little minx you are.
8. Ladies, please, for the love of God, stop keying cars, slashing tires, busting windows out of cars, any of that mess. I blame Jazmine Sullivan and Carrie Underwood for this shit. They do it in music videos and look all hot and badass fucking up a dude’s shit because he deserves it, but let me make this very clear: THIS DOES NOT TRANSLATE INTO REAL LIFE. And furthermore, it’s not even very creative (see vinegar example above, now THAT is hilarious). I think I draw the line at egging stuff (not that I’ve ever done that…) because at least with eggs, they suck to clean up, but there’s usually no permanent damage. But doing anything that involves a weapon or costs a shitload of money to fix, really, you’re just doing too much. I mean, when people hear the story they will probably find it hilarious, but not in a funny haha way, more of a daaaaamn that’s hilarious that ho is crazy way. Just sayin. Do yourself a favor, and if someone pisses you off that badly that you need to do some shit like that, have them exit your life. Quickly.
9. Stop acting shady, then acting like a victim when people get pissed at you. You know damn well what you were trying to do, so why don’t you just man up about it and respond with a, “Yea, I did that shit. And what of it nuckas!” Personally, I’m going to respect you way more than if you make up some other bullshit about how you had no idea that someone would be upset by what you did or you didn’t know you couldn’t do that or you didn’t think that was disrespectful. Just hush it up and go out like a G. For some reason, women never want to look aggressive or like they are capable of being spiteful on purpose. But, newsflash, we ARE SPITEFUL. Don’t deny it! Just know when you can bring it out. Strategy, ladies…
10. Don’t do really really slutty things, then get upset when people call you a slut. Like, really bitch, are you kidding?! Don’t let the football team run a train on you and then get defensive when other nice guys don’t want to date you or chicks start whispering about you. You brought that on yourself. And why would you even think that is okay?!?!?! EW girl! Just ew!
I know this wasn’t as angry as my rants usually are, but I’m sorry, it’s really hard to hate on my own gender! I also had way less examples. Hopefully, this helped you all come to the conclusion that no, I don’t spend all day thinking of ways to hate men, I hate everyone!!! Duh.
Filed under: Dating, Friends, Love | 3 Comments
Tags: crazy, Dating, jerks, women
Vote for Red Ink, Hoes.
http://www.91x.com/hardrock, vote for Red Ink, because I said so! And you don’t want me to come after you. It won’t be pretty.
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Men are BATSHIT Crazy.
So, I just turned 26, and unfortunately I’ve dated many men in my day. And also unfortunately, with the exception of one or two, they have all turned out to be exceptionally batshit crazy. Why, you ask? “Are you sure you didn’t do anything?” I PROMISE you, I have saved texts/emails/multiple forms of communication, consulted my guy and girl friends, who are totally okay with telling me when I am being crazy, and they have ALL confirmed that these guys truly are, BATSHIT crazy. I was going to make a top ten list about this, but I realized that all these reasons are equally BATSHIT crazy. Here it goes, if you’re mad about this, don’t tell me, fucking FIX IT. JUST FIX IT. FIN.
1. After you call/text/email us multiple times and we don’t respond, you continue to attempt to contact us–WHY?!?!?! If a girl did this to you, you’d be running to your subpar friends talking about how a crazy ho is stalking you. Yet, you think it is perfectly fine to do this. No, sorry to break it to you, it’s not. And while you’re doing this, did you know that she is showing all of your communications to her friends, laughing at and jeering you? Yea, Poindexter, it’s fucking happening. Here’s a great rule for you: Contact the bitch once, if she doesn’t respond, DO NOT contact her again. Sorry but, we’re chicks, we don’t “forget” guys have called us. We don’t pretend to be so busy that we missed your call and forgot that it happened, promise. Just leave that ho alone, move on. Kthx.
2. If you do not make any attempt to contact a chick, and in turn, she does not contact you either, DO NOT contact her accusing her of being mad/ignoring you. Damn, I’m sorry, you didn’t know? We actually have lives and don’t have the urge to stalk you every chance we get. See rule above. Contact for contact. No repeated attempts. Jesus, I swear to GOD, guys are so fucking stupid and want to have their cake and eat it too. A girl contacts you a bunch, she’s a stalker (so I’ve heard, because I follow the rule), she doesn’t contact you, she’s standoffish. WHY ARE YOU SO CRAZY?! Get your shit together and learn how to express emotions. That is all. Loser.
3. Do not act like an asshole, then get offended when we stop talking to you. It’s beneath you, really. We are all aware of the passive aggressive breakup. We’ve all done the passive aggressive breakup. Don’t “pretend” to be hurt. Actually, it’d be absolutely fucking awesome if you said, “Thank the Lord, because I was tiring of you.” Don’t play that fallen soldier shit. You know it’s bullshit, we know it’s bullshit. Let the shit go. Thanks.
4. Do not continue to flirt with chicks in front of us, then get mad when we flirt with dudes. Here’s a thought, and seriously, I want you to think about this HARD–I want you to ponder this shit. MEDITATE to it. If you are dating a smart girl, she will only give you what you give her. That walk all over us shit is sooooo 2000 and late. Honestly, 9 times out of 10, you’re not that great. Moving on. I gotta make these shorter, because this can get long REALLY quick.
5. How come guys can only actually show respect (even if it’s a little) to their girlfriends? Yea, we know we aren’t your girl, but at the same time, that doesn’t give you an excuse to blow us off, flake on things, or act retarded without any explanation. Yes, I have read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I’m fine with that. So why are you talking at all? Just get rid of the chick, Jesus. Is there something about guys that they always need to be pissing off a girl? I have blown off plenty of men, and have no qualms whatsoever with just dropping them. Yea, they probably called me a bitch to their friends, but at least I’m honest. Get over yourself. Next.
6. Punching walls. What the FUCK is up with that. It’s like, “Hey, ooooh, I’m so angry, let me punch this hard thing that doesn’t fight back, but will still beat me. ‘Cause I’m so fucking smart.” You idiot. Why can’t you punch a pillow? Or at least hit something that doesn’t like, fuck up your fist and make you look like a crazy homeless person when you go to work. You’re crazy. Stop it. It’s stupid–you’re an adult. Save that shit for high school. Really, it’s not cute. And not at all a turn on. Who wants to hook up with a dude with bloody fists??? Not this chick. Pass.
7. Married men of the world. Please stop trying to pick up chicks that are half your age, especially if you don’t want to buy us apartments, Prada, or Chanel bags. ‘Cause really, what are you really offering me? And I LOVE how guys will sit there and act like being married is no big deal. Are you effing kidding? You made a vow, before GOD, about how you’re going to love your wife and be faithful to her for the rest of your life. I don’t know about you, but I’m not fucking with God. I don’t need that shit on my conscience. Leave all us young, hot, single chicks the eff alone. Sorry you married a hag, but that’s your problem.
8. Apologizing for crazy shit with more crazy shit. LOL. This is going to generate a VERY specific story. So my friend had this stalker, and he truly was a stalker. He used to come to our bar and stare at her for hours on end, without saying ANYTHING. It was so weird, and everyone noticed. However, before she realized he was a stalker, she went on one date with him (this conjures another crazy thing), so he had her info. One night, while he is stalking her, I went up to him and was like, “Dude, cut the shit. We all know you’re stalking my friend. Just stop.” So, what does he do?? Sends her flowers the next day at work, apologizing for his inappropriate behavior. Because that’s not scary and creepy at all. Ew.
9. Going on one date with a girl, then acting like she is your girlfriend and no one else can talk to her. Really? I just…don’t get it. I know, for a fact (because I have a TON of guy friends), that if a girl did this she’s getting put in the crazy category STAT. Then why is it okay for you to act like you own me? Yea, naw son, it’s not going down like that. If you think that I’m bowing down to you because you bought me a burger from TGIFriday’s, you are SADLY mistaken. I don’t even like to go out to eat, so what did you do for me?! NOTHING. Go. Away. Kthx.
10. Revealing ridiculous secrets like they are no big deal, because you expect women to be so freaking understanding. Note, I will say this again. You. Are. Crazy. Telling us that you never graduated college because you stabbed a guy and got suspended. Telling us that you best friend is in prison. Telling us that you have an ex-girlfriend who slashed your tires and fucked up your car (yea, because we really want to get on her bad side). Telling us that you went to jail just because you “fit the description.” Yea right, motherfucker. Leave that shit in the vault. Because, really, I’m not trying to hear it. Actually, no. PLEASE tell me, so I can run away from you AS FAST AS POSSIBLE and never look back. Goodness golly. You crazy losers.
Maybe it’s just the DC area. Maybe it’s just the places I go and the people I meet. But really? Seriously? I don’t need all this hassle. Get your shit together, bitches.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Real Talk
Ever since I was a little girl, I have realized that people will continue to disappoint you if you let them. It all started when I was in middle school with my best friend. And when I say best friend, I mean like, we used to spend the night over at each others’ houses every weekend, going to the mall, all that shit. She was in all my classes at school, we ate lunch together, basically being attached at the hip. Then, she started dating this guy (who turned out to be a drug addict, but um, that’s a whole different story) that she met at our local hangout, the skating rink (you know you went!).
I understood that things were going to have to change–however, I was met with unreturned phone calls and distant behavior. I saw her at school, but it basically just wasn’t the same. So there I was, a girl on the peak of adolescence (ie moods swings, hating your parents, all that angry shit), who had just lost her best friend. Sometimes, I would sit in my room and write poetry about how sad I was (sorry to be super gay about this right now). I still had friends, but it just wasn’t the same–everyone in middle school is petty and weird, and it was hard for me to think people were still on my side, especially since I was the only black girl in my classes. Some of the kids called me an Oreo, the black kids in school called me white. I didn’t fit in anywhere.
Then one day, weirdly, my ex-best friend called me to tell me she had broken up with her boyfriend after like, a year. Unfortunately, by that time it was a little too late–our bond was broken forever. We went to the same high school and actually ended up having beef because she thought I started a certain, er, rumor about her (because everyone knew we used to be besties), but I didn’t–we just weren’t on the same level anymore. I was on dance team in high school and had a bunch of friends–but these kids had either all gone to middle school or grew up together, and who was I? I only had one friend that I had really been buds with all my life, but she was younger than me and we went to different schools all the time. I will also admit, I was a little BITCH to her when we were little, so I’m glad she still fucks with me! And then I saw how many of the girls either would gang up on someone or talk trash behind their friends’ backs–I admit, I did some of that, but I also learned to not trust people, because I had no idea what they were saying about me.
My dad once told me, “Honey, don’t trust people. They’ll smile in your face and you’ll think they really care about you, then they’ll stab you in the back like you’re nothing.”
What kind of father says that to his 16-year old daughter?! Jesus. So then, I go to a top ten school (ie where the fakest people go to school). I saw some of the fakest shit I have EVER seen in my life–blatant lying about people, backstabbing, all because people just wanted to have their way, or get something they couldn’t get. I will admit though, while I was in college I made some of my closest friends that I hope to keep my entire life, so I thank them for that. However, it took me knowing them for YEARS, them telling me the truth when I am being a butthole and sticking by me when I needed them for me to trust them. Many of my good friends say I have a “three strikes and you’re out rule” with people. That’s mostly true, unless I have a reason to think that your intentions are truly good deep down (AND IF YOU APOLOGIZE YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS). And unfortunately, for most people, I don’t really feel that way.
People often call me an asshole, and sorry, I am brutally honest with people, but it’s because I want to make sure they know how I feel about them straight up and I don’t want them to think I’m something I’m not. I don’t want to be fake to someone and they’ll think they’re my best friend. Then one day, they’ll find out that I never really liked them in the first place. I’ve felt like that, and no matter how much I don’t like you, I guarantee you’ll be hurt way more if you think I have your back to begin with.
That’s really all I have for today. Always keep it real, no matter how much people might not like it. Wait. I sort of take that back. Please don’t ever tell someone how they should be. Remember, you have no idea where they are coming from and your views on life may be VERY different. However, it is okay to have a conversation with your friend and ask them why they’re the way they are, and maybe tell them it’s not a good look–but mapping out someone’s life for them is neither necessary nor your place.
K, xoxo
Filed under: Friends | Leave a Comment
Tags: friendship, life, trust
I always find it interesting that women are considered the weaker sex, but in reality, men are really the biggest pussies out there. Why, you ask? Maybe because…I dunno, they think they can get away with being upset about shit that women would look absolutely PSYCHO if they got upset about. Yea, I fucking said it. Get over it and man up. Let’s look at the act of being led on. And no, I don’t mean when a guy is trying to buy a girl flowers, take her out, buy her gifts, etc etc and then she says she can’t date him because she fell in love with a guy name Fabio. I’m talking about when a guy wants to sleep with her, he thinks he can do it, but for some reason, he doesn’t get to. And then he FLIPS OUT. Christian Bale style. Dummy.
In these common occurrences, men paint the desired woman as a jezebel skank who flirted, wooed, hugged him enough to make him think she was going to drop her panties, but alas, she packed it up and went home at the end of the night. His friends get pissed at her, he stops speaking to her, he tells everyone that she has no feelings and is a tease. But I have two questions: 1) Can you really be mad, son? and 2) Can you blame us?
First of all, please do not act as if your feelings are involved. You don’t want to date us, you want to sleep with us. And ohhhh…sorry…guess what? We don’t give a fuck. Like, really dude? Sorry you didn’t get to “beat” (god I hate that word), but if a chick wants to sleep with you, she knows in what, the first 10 minutes? Yea, that’s probably right. But you can’t expect a chick to sleep with you just to make you feel better or to stroke your ego. We don’t really care that much. And why don’t we care? Because you fucking idiot, you don’t really care about us, you care about sleeping with us. Good enough? No. Let me stress this again–WE DON’T CARE. Let me process this for you–You were going to use us to get your rocks off, we know that so we denied you. WHY ARE YOU MAD? They have hookers for that, good lord.
Also, how many times have women been used for sex, and then the dude is never to be heard from again? Sorry to say, I’ve seen this happen WAY WAY too many times. It’s quite annoying. So, after all that bullshit, even if you don’t want to sleep with a girl just for the sake of it, there is no way that she is actually going to believe that unless you do something extraordinary. And no, buying her a drink and/or dinner is not out of the ordinary. How many guys can actually think of a way to show that they just don’t want the butt? Ding ding–you got it!!! NONE. Blame your own goddamn gender for being full of jackasses.
So, yea. In conclusion, next time you wanna be mad, take a good look at yourself. Remember that time you banged that chick you met at a football game because you were wasted and never called her again. Best believe, she went around and told all her friends what a dick you are, reiterating in their minds that men are just assholes and worthless pieces of life. So think about that. And leave her alone. And hey, maybe even turn gay, we won’t miss you. I have a couple of guys that would love to top you.
xoxo
Filed under: Dating, Do not Like, Losers, Love | 7 Comments
Tags: Dating, mating, men, sex
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