Okay, so I moved to LA, and I really like it. Let’s get that out of the way–all of you people can stop asking me if I love or still love it. Even if I hated it, I’d tell you I loved it, because I’m not sure why you’re on my junk like that. So stop. Next person to ask me that question is getting verbally abused. Just so you know. Anyways, so even though I love it, there are some “cultural shocks” that make like, no fucking sense to me. Like, they’re mind blowing–in the bad way. For instance, people don’t walk here, although the city is TOTALLY walkable. When did half a mile become so far you needed to drive when you have sidewalks and pedestrian signals? Seriously? And I know you’re going to In N’ Out, your ass needs to walk. Get it together. Furthermore, there seems to be this weird obsession here with people and ethnicity/race. Never have I had so many people ARGUE with me about what I am made up of when I tell them I’m black. Apparently, that’s not an acceptable answer. Oh sorry excuse me, let me say I’m 1/16 white and 1/16 native american, because that shit counts so much. Get the fug outta here. Y’all are trippin. Okay, and those aren’t even the worst offenses. The worst happened to me today at the grocery store, and I was REALLY confused because I’ve been to the grocery store multiple times and don’t feel like I had changed anything, so maybe the way the line was going was just different today. Okay, here’s what happened:

I was going to the self check out line at Ralph’s, ie, the Cali version of Kroger. As I approached the line, I see that people are in line, but no one is in the last aisle. Like, there was no one there. Initially, I thought that both of the check out thingies were out of order, I saw that one was, but the closest one seemed fine. I was a little confused, but I was like ummm okay, and go to that one. Instantly, this douchebag with a longboard in his cart (yes, for real, there was a long board in his cart. And wait, not just one, but TWO–womp womp) like, runs over to where I am, yelling at me like, “What’s the deal, there’s one line for the whole section, wtf?” So I look at him like, seriously, “Wait, seriously? Since when?” And he’s like, “UH, since always, so you need to move and let me go.” Wait a fucking minute. First off, I definitely lingered by the machine for a sec to see if anyone was going to go to it, and no one did. Dude, I’m sorry if you’re too high to realize when there’s a machine open, but that shit’s not my fault. Let’s keep it moving, people. EFFICIENCY IS KEY. But, back to my story. So I look at this dude, and okay, apparently this is something I wasn’t aware of, and normally, I would have been more than happy to apologize and move, but this little shit was like freaking out on me for no reason. Incorrect and incongruent. Learn how to speak to me. So I say, “Umm…yea…so if that’s the case I’ll move, but yea…I need to you slow your roll – I’m not sure who you think you’re talking to like that. You need to calm it down.” And he’s just like, “Well you need to move.” Like, totally rude for NO reason.

So in my final desire to always have the last word (yea, y’all know I’m like that), I say, “Alright you idiot, I’ll move. Learn how to talk to people. Dumbass.” And then, LOL, the cashier overseeing the self check out is like, “Oh, ma’am, this one’s open.” Soooo….I still didn’t wait in line, I was finished checking out BEFORE this douche, who started yelling at the associate about where the entry was for potatoes…and was on my merry way in less than two minutes. Like really, son, you’re doing too much. It’s not that serious. AND REALLY, what kind of grocery store has ONE LINE for the entire self checkout!? I’ve been frequenting grocery stores for many years, and yea…there is always a line for each AISLE, not the whole damn thing. Except for CVS, but they make that shit clear. That was probably one of the dumbest conversations I’ve ever had. I’m like, actually dumber now for speaking to that guy.

So yea, I fucking love Cali. But this goes to show you–Douchebags are universal. You can’t escape them.

Before I write this post, I’d like to make a disclaimer that any anger you have should not be geared towards ME, it should be geared towards Fox for putting this hot ass mess on TV, so please, don’t come hollerin’ at me about how I’m so horrible and should be driven to Hell in a handbasket or force fed 900 Big Macs. Seriously, if you haven’t watched this crap, you don’t know that Fox had NO PLACE putting this shit on TV. At first, when I was angry at the hating on thinner chicks, I was cracking up, but as the show went on I was just like, “No, this is wrong. Fox, it’s one thing to represent the ‘regular population,’ but it’s completely different to EXPLOIT them and make them look absolutely desperate and pitiful on national television. You know damn well that was wrong. Wow.”

So, when I first started watching “More to Love,” I got a little angry. The first four chicks or so were all hating on thinner women, which I think is fucked up. It’s mean and “cruel” if a thin woman insults a “bigger” woman, but they can go to town acting like we don’t eat and “who wants a stick” and all this mess. This is bullshit. It’s a complete double standard for it to be okay for larger women to insult thin women and no one bats an eyelash. So far, I’m done with this shit. People were already calling me insensitive. Insensitive to what??? The fact that you decided to get the taco shell with your taco salad (which is fucking delicious, by the way) and I didn’t?! Boundaries ladies, boundaries. Trust, thin girls eat, we just understand that women’s metabolisms SUCK and we can’t eat all that shit and  not work out and still look lovely. SAD BUT TRUE. Get over it.

However, as the show went on, I just started feeling, almost sorry for these chicks, yes, almost. I thought it was  stupid that they were complaining about dudes being assholes to them when HELLO, guys are assholes to ALL CHICKS, not just overweight ones, please stop trying to make excuses and have some damn self esteem. Still, when some of them talked about never going on a date and shit like that, I was like, “Good lord, Fox has really fucked up this time. This is some terrible shit.” I love that Fox advertised this show as they did, then decided to completely reveal all the insecurities of these women on the FIRST SHOW. Actually, it was pretty twisted. Furthermore, I’m not sure why so many of the conversations the participants had were based on food…like really, fat people only talk about grilling and eating and food? Wow, that’s real limited, Fox. In fact, it’s a hot mess. Yes, I said it. Seriously, we all know there is that one crazy eliminated chick that will cry on the first show, but the rest of them are usually like, “Eff this dude, obvi he didn’t know what he was looking for and I’m awesome so he can go somewhere. Forget him!” This, my friends, is the reaction I want to see. Come on girlie, you don’t know dude from wherever, WHY are you crying over him. Womp womp. These chicks were calling this fat dude an angel and all this bogus shit–whatever. Don’t hate on me, YES HE IS FAT. He weighs over 350 lbs. Ie, fat. Also, the fact that he is fat completely kills the notion of a man with a “regular” woman. Fox is like, “Oh, the skinny people have to stay together and the fats have to stay together.” THIS. IS. BULLSHIT.

Overall, seriously, in ALL SERIOUSNESS, this show was too much. It portrayed every stereotype of overweight women, which really got me thinking….can Fox even make a show that’s not based on stereotypes??? If not, this is just sad. Fox, get some new producers/writers/executive VPs. Y’all lost me on reality TV. Step it up, please. Not everyone is this stupid. Seriously. Fox is the new mainstream America BET. Ugh.

Oh downtrodden woman, this is my ode to you. As you stand on the metro, not looking tired, not unclean, not totally gross, just…downtrodden. Your hair could use a comb-why did you relax it if you aren’t going to style it? I hope you didn’t pay a stylist to do that to your head. Is that a mat of hair by your temple? What are you, a dog whom needs grooming? Just saying, some leave in conditioner and a flat iron can work wonders. Take heed, downtrodden woman. Your purple toe nail polish, that you are obviously too old to be wearing. It is slightly chipped on your stubby toes and un-matching to your ensemble…take heed, downtrodden woman. You bent down at a metro stop to engulf a piece of your cream cheese bagel bite, starving so at 8am. You bit your food like a ravenous beast after the kill, not even attempting to savor your meal. Eat a real breakfast, downtrodden woman. The piece of cream cheese that fell-you tried to scratch out the stain on your teal shirt, but ah, you sly one, I can still see it! Perhaps you should stop on the way to work and get a Tide pen, downtrodden woman.

Downtrodden woman, it is Friday, almost the weekend, no need to look so glum. I ponder why you aren’t wearing any makeup, not that you are ugly, but everyone can use a little wake me up eyeliner in their life. That’s good advice, I hope someone tells you today at work, downtrodden woman. You think I am insulting you, which could not be further from the truth. I celebrate you, downtrodden woman, I see the symbolism in you, the warning you scream at me, it’s seeping out of your pores-”Don’t get married, you’ll end up like me!” I hear you loud and clear-thanks, downtrodden woman.

Okay, so I totally caved and got EA Sports Active for my Wii. I’m always looking for new (funner) ways to work out, and this seemed like a good idea, especially during bikini season! Today was my very first workout, so I filled out my profile and got to it. First of all, I have to say that I think the calorie counter is complete BS, because it said that it took me 30 minutes to burn 141 calories, which is sorta wack. Come on, I was sweaty! But I digress, on to the workouts…

The Cardio: The cardio I did mainly consisted of running/walking (mostly running for me b/c I picked the high intensity workout) and running kick backs (running while literally kicking your own ass). There’s nothing really to the running part, just running in place, but the kick backs–maaaan. It’s not that they are hard, but they make you do them for like, three minutes at a time. Have you tried kicking your own ass for three full minutes? It’s a lot of quad work. These remind me of the one minute cardio intervals they have on some of my fitness DVDs…but this…is three minutes, hence the pain!

The Toning: Lunges and Squats: Self-explanatory, you do them holding the wiimote and the nunchuck in your leg. They usually make you do 20, which is pretty good–I think I ended up doing 2 sets each of squats and side lunges, maybe 3. 80+ butt toners in a video game? Not bad. My Luli Fama bikini thanks you, EA.

Lifting: Bicep curls, some shoulders, triceps…pretty standard stuff for the most part. The most annoying things about these exercises is you have to be sure to keep the wiimote facing where they say. Otherwise your trainer (mine is the dude, he’s sorta a douche) will tell you to focus, and I’m like GET OFF ME I’M DOING IT. But hey, at least to fix it, I had to do more reps. Nothing wrong with a little extra work. Also, everyone who keeps complaining about the lack of resistance with the band that came with the game, you can usually increase resistance by making the band shorter, ie tighter. So get on it and quit whining. Kthx. Also though, I really do wish the trainer didn’t hold the reps for as long as he did. I’m not really sure that I’m supposed to be holding a front row for like, 5 seconds before I can drop my shoulders back down. If I throw out my shoulder, EA is getting a letter. No joke.

Sport Games: Aight, now we’re getting into the nitty gritty! First of all, every time I play these freakin’ games I realize that I LOVE boxing. I just picture a bitch’s face I don’t like and I’m like, pa-dow, take that! I haven’t gotten to the speed bag yet, but I did the target boxing, which gives you regular punches and hooks. My left hook is mean, son! Watch out! The other sport I did was “inline skating,” which is HARD AS BALLS because it’s basically squatting in order to give your avatar speed, holding the squat until you get to the ramp, then JUMPING to complete your trick. Okay, my problem came because I had to jump up at the exact right time, which is hard to do once you get tired. After the first few squats/jumps, my avatar was definitely skatin’ mad slow because I wasn’t really tryin’ to keep holding that squat. I’m sure my quads are gonna kill tomorrow. But like always, anything in the name of fitness. )

I’m going to go back and try out some more games now. Hopefully being bored enough to play this game will get me ready for July 4th weekend. You might ask, “You lazy ho, why don’t you just go to the gym?” Don’t get it twisted, I’ll be in the gym too, but doing some kind of physical activity without it actually being “working out” is always a nice option. However, I don’t think I would exactly call this game fun. EA isn’t messin’ around. And I like that.

UPDATE: So I did another workout (I believe it was called the Athlete in You), and got to do basketball, tennis and volleyball. These were fun, although not very challenging. I made sure to incorporate my lower body into the workouts as well to keep it full body. Basketball included passing and shooting (I’m a beast), tennis was basically just hitting the ball (similar to Wii Tennis, but you had to do different arm movements for different kinds of shots), and volleyball was serving, bumping, setting and blocking. Man, do I suck at serving. I kept missing the ball like a loser. However, I’m the ish at bumping and setting. I think my shoulders are going to get buff. Additionally, I also added in a few workouts I wanted to try, like dancing. Dancing is easy–you just move your arms when it’s the right time in the correct direction. Make sure you jump around to get more cardio in. I found it hilarious when they told you to do moves like the shopping cart, lawmower and other silly moves. I bet you’d pay to watch me do those. It’s rather amusing!

And the day after…

Holy goodness, I am sore. I’m sure it is mostly from doing like, a billion squats and lunges and a ton of arm exercises, but man, my arms and butt are killing me! I also like how my abs are sore, and I didn’t even do any ab work! I’m thinking this is from the boxing part of the exercises. I work out consistently, so I’m constantly changing up my workout in order to trick my body into working harder. Overall, I’m liking the intensity of the exercises given. Alternating the sport exercises with cardio and toning gives you a lot of variety and I think really helps get your heart rate up. I was totally sweating (like, dripping sweat–the hardest part about doing the lifting exercises is that I didn’t want to move and get yelled at by my trainer, but there was sweat in my eye!) and I’m sore, so that’s two pluses for what I want out of a workout. I’m not going to sub these for my running intervals, but I’m def going to add them in.

Ladies, my gift to you. Next time you are going on a date, simply have him fill out this application, and be on your way to dating bliss. Or kicking his wack ass to the curb.

Name:

Age:

Height:

Weight:

Physical Build (i.e. athletic, thin, toned, meathead, too much to love):

College/Major:

Occupation:

Hours/Days You Work in a Week:

Political Affiliation:

Do you have any kids? If yes, do they live with you?

How many days do you work out in a week?

How much can you bench press?

How often do you eat out or eat fast food?

What kind of music do you like? Please be as specific as possible.

Can you dance? Sober or drunk?

How many nights do you go out a week?

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?

Do you like Harry Potter or Twilight?

What are your thoughts on Kobe Bryant?

What is your favorite NFL football team?

What extracurricular activities and/or sports do you engage in?

Please indicate what you would wear (top, bottom, footwear) at the following venues: a) a sporting event during the day, b) an after work happy hour, c) a dive-type bar (i.e. Adam’s Morgan, College Park), d) a lounge, e) a bar in Bethesda, f) Dewey Beach and/or Ocean City, g) a house party, h) a cookout.

Name the preferred activity–Text Messaging, Calling, Email:

Finish the scenario–You’re out at a bar solo with a girl, it’s around 11pm and her friends are around the corner. She wants them to come meet up with you guys. How do you respond?

What is the appropriate time of day to cease wearing flip flops, if at all?

Do you have any extra incentives (i.e. a boat, a beach house, a pool, etc)?

Finish the scenario–You’re out with your friends and a date, and for some reason, your friend is being completely inappropriate to your date, whether they are being rude, flirtatious, whatever. How do you react?

At this time in your life, what do you feel you want out of a relationship?

In your opinion, when is it acceptable to wear Crocs?

Now, from dude’s reactions to previous posts, I am not stupid enough to actually reveal what a guy has to put to go to the second round of the application process. Just print this out and go! Remember to say I sent you. Errr…or not?

xoxo

There they are, in those damn trees again.

Although I have been subjected to the terror that is Twilight, not once,  but twice in the literary form, I had never been bored enough to watch the movie. Well kids, today was that day. And I sort of want a vampire to kill me so I can forget that I ever saw this movie. Strangely, I was a fan of the cinematography, but that’s where my positivity ended. The acting itself is retched, a mix between overacting, underacting and mumbling, but seeing the actual story come alive was the worst part.

For those of you who are smart enough to stay away from the Twilight series, it’s about this chick who moves to Forks, Washington, meets this dude and falls obsessively in love with him. Surprise twist, the mofo is a vampire (a vegetarian vampire, no less), which results in chick (Bella) wanting to become a vampire so she can be with him forever. Totally healthy for a 17-year old, right? But let’s get to it. First of all, interestingly enough, Bella has a black dude in her crew at school. That’s all fine and dandy…but do we really think there are black people in Forks, Washington? Come on now, be honest. I’m not being racist, but seriously??? Funny thing is, besides almost killing Bella by hitting her with his car, the dude barely has any lines. Actually, I don’t think anyone has any lines really. The dialogue is filled with awkward silences and sideways glances. It’s obvious that kids apparently have no personality in Forks.

So anyway, at the beginning of the film, Bella and Edward (vampire guy) barely speak at school, although he does save her weird ass a couple of times–they go out once to a restaurant where Edward doesn’t eat (because that wouldn’t make a girl feel fat), Bella figures out he’s a vampire and *BAM* she’s madly in love with him and can’t live without him. Really? Okay, Stephanie Meyer (the author of the Twilight books), I really feel like you’re not setting a good example. Edward creepily comes into Bella’s room at night to watch her sleep without her knowing about it, tells her that she is his life, and all sorts of other shit that sounds crazy coming from a teenager. In fact, it would sound crazy coming from anyone. Bella is no better. She repeatedly freaks out anytime she believes Edward is going to leave her. In fact, it’s pretty much the only time she shows any emotion at all. And weirdly, because Edward and Bella can’t do it (not because they are teenagers, but because Edward won’t be able to “control” himself and will like, eat her or something), I really think that them climbing trees in the movie is symbolism for having sex. It’s really weird, because Edward like, climbs up the tree with Bella on his back and they basically climb around each other while some music is playing. I’m gonna call it tree screwing. Try it sometime. Also, Bella is supposed to be clumsy as shit, yet she’s nimble as a fairy on those damn trees. Sounds fishy to me. Basically, the movie is just pointless. That’s why I don’t really have much to say about it. The actors in it are really lucky, though. I guess it’s cool to be in a movie and get famous because it’s based on a super retarded book when you only have like, five lines. Lucky bastards.

Other things that pissed me off–Cam Gigandet plays the bad vampire, James, in the movie. But they made him look all dirty and shit!!! Like, he has blood under his nails and dirty, tangled long blonde hair. It’s a fucking crime. You can’t make Cam Gigandet look dirty!!! He should have been like, a smooth ass dude. I was annoyed. Also, the kid who plays Jacob in the flick, Taylor Lautner, is pretty hot. And then I Googled him and learned that he’s 17. I feel dirty now–not as dirty as Cam, though. But seriously, have you fucking seen this kid? He can’t keep his shirt on! It’s just WRONG–this 17 year old has like, ridiculous abs–IT’S NOT RIGHT PEOPLE. I need all you guys to take a lesson from Taylor Lautner and get in the gym. Now. And keep going. Repeatedly. Sad thing is, I’ll probably go see New Moon (the sequel), because he’ll probably have his shirt off. Oh, by the way, he’s a werewolf. Surprise!

In conclusion, just stay away from Twilight. If you haven’t read/seen it, don’t start. It’s like a train wreck. Yet, the second book is strangely amusing because Edward isn’t in most of it. That is the only compliment I’ll give. Just stay away, though. It’s scary!!

So, I’ve been getting a lot of backlash regarding the increase of man bashing that’s been going on in my writing. I mean, what can I say? Certain things have um, inspired me lately. However, I need y’all to calm down a little bit. First of all, it’s really not that serious. Someone told me that I can’t talk about a serious subject, then write it off in jest. Really, I didn’t know I couldn’t do that, sir. Also, I’m not talking about the AIDS epidemic or prisoner torture–I’m talking about fucking dating. Which, fortunately, to me, isn’t that serious. Probably because I never want to get married or have kids, so it’s not really a priority to me. But I digress. Yes, I am quite aware that women are known to do some ridiculous shit as well. I’m not really sure how I’m going to write this, because I usually am involved in friendship situations with chicks and only hear some things about them from my guy friends…but I’ll put in the effort if it’ll make you men calm the eff down. Goodness.

1. Ladies, I really need you to stop trying to steal your friends’ boyfriends. Yea, okay, you thought you were going to meet the dude of your dreams by the time you were 24 and were supposed to get married on the beach in a light blue strapless flowing gown with 300 of your closest friends…ooooh, and then you woke up. So why don’t you suck it up and act like a real friend and frickin’ be happy for your girl? You skank. ALSO, if you get caught, omg, please, PLEASE, do not start crying and begging your friend to still love you and you didn’t mean to do it and you guys should never let a guy come between you….You probably should have thought of that before you started giving him hickies in the back of his pickup. You don’t deserve good friends. Next.

2. What’s up with the unnecessary competition between female friends?! I’m going to have to say, personally, I only like cute people, so I love it when I go out with my girls and they are looking extra fierce. I find it so ridiculous when you walk into a room to meet your friends and one of them goes, “Oh *frown*, aw, you look cuter than me.” What, ho? Dumbest girl shit to say ever. Who’s to blame for that? There are only two possible answers for this: God and you. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, worry about yourself. Shit man. Grow up.

3. This one is really funny to me. Let’s get something straight right now. No one particularly enjoys being overweight. Now, there are some people who might be comfortable with their size, but no one walks into McD’s everyday saying, “Man, I can’t wait to get fat! I love these fucking rolls on the back of my neck!” So ladies, please stop faking and do not a) talk shit about your friends when they are dedicated to fitness and try to make them feel bad about themselves because your ass is too lazy to go to the gym and b) if you are losing weight, whether it’s on purpose or not, do not fucking complain about it. Because, really, who doesn’t like losing weight unless it’s due to a terminal illness? Dummy.

4. Do not try to change a man’s mind regarding how he feels about you or what he’s trying to get out of your relationship. It’s going to bite you in the ass, and in the end the only thing I can say is, “I told you so.” You date a guy for a couple of months and he’s like, “We’re just having fun, I don’t want to have a relationship.” OKAY LADIES. AT THIS MOMENT, you either accept the status of your current relationship or you get the fuck out, and get out quickly. Don’t continue to think, “Maybe if I cook for him enough and show him that I’ll be a good girlfriend he’ll fall in love with me.” Men are hard-headed!! And you were lucky enough to have a guy who didn’t want to lead you on. Leave it alone and move on. Otherwise, you’re just going to start becoming super needy and ridiculous. And baby, we don’t want that. I don’t want that for you.

5. Calling dibs or being super possessive of a guy, when you really have no claim over him. You’re going to look maaaaad ignorant and crazy, not only to the guy you’re directing this towards, but to all your friends as well. And they’re going to talk about you behind your back. And I, personally, am going to giggle at you in your face and call you a crazy ho. Yea I know, especially when you’re drunk as hell you start thinking of all this crazy stuff. I will admit, with alcohol to fuel the fire, I have been like, the queen of developing conspiracy theories in my head. That shit has GOT to stop and usually make no sense when you sober up. So just consider this beforehand and blame it on the alcohol–but ignore it.

6. Do not date a guy who treats you like shit for months, bitch about him to all your friends, which will ultimately make them hate his guts, then CONTINUE to date him!!!! Really, chick? What the fuck? I can’t even feel sorry for you now, and everything bad that I’ve said about guys has been canceled out by your inability to act normal and leave a really shitty situation. And also, here’s another result of your stupid actions–your friends aren’t going to want to be around old boy due to all the shit you said about him, so now you either have to alienate your friends or be one hell of a juggler between your relationship and your friends. So, think. You alienate your friends, and then all you have left is the asshole who’s treating you like shit in the first place. Because that’s healthy. I once had a friend who dated this guy–he didn’t treat her like complete shit, but he was def a little possessive and off. They had the EXACT SAME argument everyday, and she’d always come to me bitching and crying about it. Finally, I told her, “Dude look, if you don’t want to break up with him that’s on you, but seriously, I can’t hear about this anymore. It’s just painful to hear the same thing everyday and nothing is being done to resolve the situation.” SO, she got MAD AT ME because I was being a bad friend because I didn’t want to listen to her whining anymore. Yea, that was one of the reasons I realized her ass was crazy. We no longer speak.

7. Getting mad at the chick your boyfriend is cheating on you with if she didn’t know about you. I mean, it’s a definite possibility that he said he didn’t have a girlfriend in order to get in the other chick’s pants. So honestly, I know it sucks, but it’s really not her fault. It can be hard not to lunge for the person that you have a better chance of beating up when you walk in on them in bed or something, but just let the poor girl get dressed and leave. However, if she knew that you were the guy’s girlfriend and is blatantly trying to take your man, super soak both of them with vinegar (lol, I just thought of that, oh man, they’d stink SO BAD! giggle) and proceed to leave and saunter down the street like the sexy little minx you are.

8. Ladies, please, for the love of God, stop keying cars, slashing tires, busting windows out of cars, any of that mess. I blame Jazmine Sullivan and Carrie Underwood for this shit. They do it in music videos and look all hot and badass fucking up a dude’s shit because he deserves it, but let me make this very clear: THIS DOES NOT TRANSLATE INTO REAL LIFE. And furthermore, it’s not even very creative (see vinegar example above, now THAT is hilarious). I think I draw the line at egging stuff (not that I’ve ever done that…) because at least with eggs, they suck to clean up, but there’s usually no permanent damage. But doing anything that involves a weapon or costs a shitload of money to fix, really, you’re just doing too much. I mean, when people hear the story they will probably find it hilarious, but not in a funny haha way, more of a daaaaamn that’s hilarious that ho is crazy way. Just sayin. Do yourself a favor, and if someone pisses you off that badly that you need to do some shit like that, have them exit your life. Quickly.

9. Stop acting shady, then acting like a victim when people get pissed at you. You know damn well what you were trying to do, so why don’t you just man up about it and respond with a, “Yea, I did that shit. And what of it nuckas!” Personally, I’m going to respect you way more than if you make up some other bullshit about how you had no idea that someone would be upset by what you did or you didn’t know you couldn’t do that or you didn’t think that was disrespectful. Just hush it up and go out like a G. For some reason, women never want to look aggressive or like they are capable of being spiteful on purpose. But, newsflash, we ARE SPITEFUL. Don’t deny it! Just know when you can bring it out. Strategy, ladies…

10. Don’t do really really slutty things, then get upset when people call you a slut. Like, really bitch, are you kidding?! Don’t let the football team run a train on you and then get defensive when other nice guys don’t want to date you or chicks start whispering about you. You brought that on yourself. And why would you even think that is okay?!?!?! EW girl! Just ew!

I know this wasn’t as angry as my rants usually are, but I’m sorry, it’s really hard to hate on my own gender! I also had way less examples. Hopefully, this helped you all come to the conclusion that no, I don’t spend all day thinking of ways to hate men, I hate everyone!!! Duh.

http://www.91x.com/hardrock, vote for Red Ink, because I said so! And you don’t want me to come after you. It won’t be pretty.

So, I just turned 26, and unfortunately I’ve dated many men in my day. And also unfortunately, with the exception of one or two, they have all turned out to be exceptionally batshit crazy. Why, you ask? “Are you sure you didn’t do anything?” I PROMISE you, I have saved texts/emails/multiple forms of communication, consulted my guy and girl friends, who are totally okay with telling me when I am being crazy, and they have ALL confirmed that these guys truly are, BATSHIT crazy. I was going to make a top ten list about this, but I realized that all these reasons are equally BATSHIT crazy. Here it goes, if you’re mad about this, don’t tell me, fucking FIX IT. JUST FIX IT. FIN.

1. After you call/text/email us multiple times and we don’t respond, you continue to attempt to contact us–WHY?!?!?! If a girl did this to you, you’d be running to your subpar friends talking about how a crazy ho is stalking you. Yet, you think it is perfectly fine to do this. No, sorry to break it to you, it’s not. And while you’re doing this, did you know that she is showing all of your communications to her friends, laughing at and jeering you? Yea, Poindexter, it’s fucking happening. Here’s a great rule for you: Contact the bitch once, if she doesn’t respond, DO NOT contact her again. Sorry but, we’re chicks, we don’t “forget” guys have called us. We don’t pretend to be so busy that we missed your call and forgot that it happened, promise. Just leave that ho alone, move on. Kthx.

2. If you do not make any attempt to contact a chick, and in turn, she does not contact you either, DO NOT contact her accusing her of being mad/ignoring you. Damn, I’m sorry, you didn’t know? We actually have lives and don’t have the urge to stalk you every chance we get. See rule above. Contact for contact. No repeated attempts. Jesus, I swear to GOD, guys are so fucking stupid and want  to have their cake and eat it too. A girl contacts you a bunch, she’s a stalker (so I’ve heard, because I follow the rule), she doesn’t contact you, she’s standoffish. WHY ARE YOU SO CRAZY?! Get your shit together and learn how to express emotions. That is all. Loser.

3. Do not act like an asshole, then get offended when we stop talking to you. It’s beneath you, really. We are all aware of the passive aggressive breakup. We’ve all done the passive aggressive breakup. Don’t “pretend” to be hurt. Actually, it’d be absolutely fucking awesome if you said, “Thank the Lord, because I was tiring of you.” Don’t play that fallen soldier shit. You know it’s bullshit, we know it’s bullshit. Let the shit go. Thanks.

4. Do not continue to flirt with chicks in front of us, then get mad when we flirt with dudes. Here’s a thought, and seriously, I want you to think about this HARD–I want you to ponder this shit. MEDITATE to it. If you are dating a smart girl, she will only give you what you give her. That walk all over us shit is sooooo 2000 and late. Honestly, 9 times out of 10, you’re not that great. Moving on. I gotta make these shorter, because this can get long REALLY quick.

5. How come guys can only actually show respect (even if it’s a little) to their girlfriends? Yea, we know we aren’t your girl, but at the same time, that doesn’t give you an excuse to blow us off, flake on things, or act retarded without any explanation. Yes, I have read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I’m fine with that. So why are you talking at all? Just get rid of the chick, Jesus. Is there something about guys that they always need to be pissing off a girl? I have blown off plenty of men, and have no qualms whatsoever with just dropping them. Yea, they probably called me a bitch to their friends, but at least I’m honest. Get over yourself. Next.

6. Punching walls. What the FUCK is up with that. It’s like, “Hey, ooooh, I’m so angry, let me punch this hard thing that doesn’t fight back, but will still beat me. ‘Cause I’m so fucking smart.” You idiot. Why can’t you punch a pillow? Or at least hit something that doesn’t like, fuck up your fist and make you look like a crazy homeless person when you go to work. You’re crazy. Stop it. It’s stupid–you’re an adult. Save that shit for high school. Really, it’s not cute. And not at all a turn on. Who wants to hook up with a dude with bloody fists??? Not this chick. Pass.

7. Married men of the world. Please stop trying to pick up chicks that are half your age, especially if you don’t want to buy us apartments, Prada, or Chanel bags. ‘Cause really, what are you really offering me? And I LOVE how guys will sit there and act like being married is no big deal. Are you effing kidding? You made a vow, before GOD, about how you’re going to love your wife and be faithful to her for the rest of your life. I don’t know about you, but I’m not fucking with God. I don’t need that shit on my conscience. Leave all us young, hot, single chicks the eff alone. Sorry you married a hag, but that’s your problem.

8. Apologizing for crazy shit with more crazy shit. LOL. This is going to generate a VERY specific story. So my friend had this stalker, and he truly was a stalker. He used to come to our bar and stare at her for hours on end, without saying ANYTHING. It was so weird, and everyone noticed. However, before she realized he was a stalker, she went on one date with him (this conjures another crazy thing), so he had her info. One night, while he is stalking her, I went up to him and was like, “Dude, cut the shit. We all know you’re stalking my friend. Just stop.”  So, what does he do?? Sends her flowers the next day at work, apologizing for his inappropriate behavior. Because that’s not scary and creepy at all. Ew.

9. Going on one date with a girl, then acting like she is your girlfriend and no one else can talk to her. Really? I just…don’t get it. I know, for a fact (because I have a TON of guy friends), that if a girl did this she’s getting put in the crazy category STAT. Then why is it okay for you to act like you own me? Yea, naw son, it’s not going down like that. If you think that I’m bowing down to you because you bought me a burger from TGIFriday’s, you are SADLY mistaken. I don’t even like to go out to eat, so what did you do for me?! NOTHING. Go. Away. Kthx.

10. Revealing ridiculous secrets like they are no big deal, because you expect women to be so freaking understanding. Note, I will say this again. You. Are. Crazy. Telling us that you never graduated college because you stabbed a guy and got suspended. Telling us that you best friend is in prison. Telling us that you have an ex-girlfriend who slashed your tires and fucked up your car (yea, because we really want to get on her bad side). Telling us that you went to jail just because you “fit the description.” Yea right, motherfucker. Leave that shit in the vault. Because, really, I’m not trying to hear it. Actually, no. PLEASE tell me, so I can run away from you AS FAST AS POSSIBLE and never look back. Goodness golly. You crazy losers.

Maybe it’s just the DC area. Maybe it’s just the places I go and the people I meet. But really? Seriously? I don’t need all this hassle. Get your shit together, bitches.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have realized that people will continue to disappoint you if you let them. It all started when I was in middle school with my best friend. And when I say best friend, I mean like, we used to spend the night over at each others’ houses every weekend, going to the mall, all that shit. She was in all my classes at school, we ate lunch together, basically being attached at the hip. Then, she started dating this guy (who turned out to be a drug addict, but um, that’s a whole different story) that she met at our local hangout, the skating rink (you know you went!).

I understood that things were going to have to change–however, I was met with unreturned phone calls and distant behavior. I saw her at school, but it basically just wasn’t the same. So there I was, a girl on the peak of adolescence (ie moods swings, hating your parents, all that angry shit), who had just lost her best friend. Sometimes, I would sit in my room and write poetry about how sad I was (sorry to be super gay about this right now). I still had friends, but it just wasn’t the same–everyone in middle school is petty and weird, and it was hard for me to think people were still on my side, especially since I was the only black girl in my classes. Some of the kids called me an Oreo, the black kids in school called me white. I didn’t fit in anywhere.

Then one day, weirdly, my ex-best friend called me to tell me she had broken up with her boyfriend after like, a year. Unfortunately, by that time it was a little too late–our bond was broken forever. We went to the same high school and actually ended up having beef because she thought I started a certain, er, rumor about her (because everyone knew we used to be besties), but I didn’t–we just weren’t on the same level anymore. I was on dance team in high school and had a bunch of friends–but these kids had either all gone to middle school or grew up together, and who was I? I only had one friend that I had really been buds with all my life, but she was younger than me and we went to different schools all the time. I will also admit, I was a little BITCH to her when we were little, so I’m glad she still fucks with me! And then I saw how many of the girls either would gang up on someone or talk trash behind their friends’ backs–I admit, I did some of that, but I also learned to not trust people, because I had no idea what they were saying about me.

My dad once told me, “Honey, don’t trust people. They’ll smile in your face and you’ll think they really care about you, then they’ll stab you in the back like you’re nothing.”

What kind of father says that to his 16-year old daughter?! Jesus. So then, I go to a top ten school (ie where the fakest people go to school). I saw some of the fakest shit I have EVER seen in my life–blatant lying about people, backstabbing, all because people just wanted to have their way, or get something they couldn’t get. I will admit though, while I was in college I made some of my closest friends that I hope to keep my entire life, so I thank them for that. However, it took me knowing them for YEARS, them telling me the truth when I am being a butthole and sticking by me when I needed them for me to trust them. Many of my good friends say I have a “three strikes and you’re out rule” with people. That’s mostly true, unless I have a reason to think that your intentions are truly good deep down (AND IF YOU APOLOGIZE YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS). And unfortunately, for most people, I don’t really feel that way.

People often call me an asshole, and sorry, I am brutally honest with people, but it’s because I want to make sure they know how I feel about them straight up and I don’t want them to think I’m something I’m not. I don’t want to be fake to someone and they’ll think they’re my best friend. Then one day, they’ll find out that I never really liked them in the first place. I’ve felt like that, and no matter how much I don’t like you, I guarantee you’ll be hurt way more if you think I have your back to begin with.

That’s really all I have for today. Always keep it real, no matter how much people might not like it. Wait. I sort of take that back. Please don’t ever tell someone how they should be. Remember, you have no idea where they are coming from and your views on life may be VERY different. However, it is okay to have a conversation with your friend and ask them why they’re the way they are, and maybe tell them it’s not a good look–but mapping out someone’s life for them is neither necessary nor your place.

K, xoxo