Okay, so I moved to LA, and I really like it. Let’s get that out of the way–all of you people can stop asking me if I love or still love it. Even if I hated it, I’d tell you I loved it, because I’m not sure why you’re on my junk like that. So stop. Next person to ask me that question is getting verbally abused. Just so you know. Anyways, so even though I love it, there are some “cultural shocks” that make like, no fucking sense to me. Like, they’re mind blowing–in the bad way. For instance, people don’t walk here, although the city is TOTALLY walkable. When did half a mile become so far you needed to drive when you have sidewalks and pedestrian signals? Seriously? And I know you’re going to In N’ Out, your ass needs to walk. Get it together. Furthermore, there seems to be this weird obsession here with people and ethnicity/race. Never have I had so many people ARGUE with me about what I am made up of when I tell them I’m black. Apparently, that’s not an acceptable answer. Oh sorry excuse me, let me say I’m 1/16 white and 1/16 native american, because that shit counts so much. Get the fug outta here. Y’all are trippin. Okay, and those aren’t even the worst offenses. The worst happened to me today at the grocery store, and I was REALLY confused because I’ve been to the grocery store multiple times and don’t feel like I had changed anything, so maybe the way the line was going was just different today. Okay, here’s what happened:

I was going to the self check out line at Ralph’s, ie, the Cali version of Kroger. As I approached the line, I see that people are in line, but no one is in the last aisle. Like, there was no one there. Initially, I thought that both of the check out thingies were out of order, I saw that one was, but the closest one seemed fine. I was a little confused, but I was like ummm okay, and go to that one. Instantly, this douchebag with a longboard in his cart (yes, for real, there was a long board in his cart. And wait, not just one, but TWO–womp womp) like, runs over to where I am, yelling at me like, “What’s the deal, there’s one line for the whole section, wtf?” So I look at him like, seriously, “Wait, seriously? Since when?” And he’s like, “UH, since always, so you need to move and let me go.” Wait a fucking minute. First off, I definitely lingered by the machine for a sec to see if anyone was going to go to it, and no one did. Dude, I’m sorry if you’re too high to realize when there’s a machine open, but that shit’s not my fault. Let’s keep it moving, people. EFFICIENCY IS KEY. But, back to my story. So I look at this dude, and okay, apparently this is something I wasn’t aware of, and normally, I would have been more than happy to apologize and move, but this little shit was like freaking out on me for no reason. Incorrect and incongruent. Learn how to speak to me. So I say, “Umm…yea…so if that’s the case I’ll move, but yea…I need to you slow your roll – I’m not sure who you think you’re talking to like that. You need to calm it down.” And he’s just like, “Well you need to move.” Like, totally rude for NO reason.

So in my final desire to always have the last word (yea, y’all know I’m like that), I say, “Alright you idiot, I’ll move. Learn how to talk to people. Dumbass.” And then, LOL, the cashier overseeing the self check out is like, “Oh, ma’am, this one’s open.” Soooo….I still didn’t wait in line, I was finished checking out BEFORE this douche, who started yelling at the associate about where the entry was for potatoes…and was on my merry way in less than two minutes. Like really, son, you’re doing too much. It’s not that serious. AND REALLY, what kind of grocery store has ONE LINE for the entire self checkout!? I’ve been frequenting grocery stores for many years, and yea…there is always a line for each AISLE, not the whole damn thing. Except for CVS, but they make that shit clear. That was probably one of the dumbest conversations I’ve ever had. I’m like, actually dumber now for speaking to that guy.

So yea, I fucking love Cali. But this goes to show you–Douchebags are universal. You can’t escape them.

Before I write this post, I’d like to make a disclaimer that any anger you have should not be geared towards ME, it should be geared towards Fox for putting this hot ass mess on TV, so please, don’t come hollerin’ at me about how I’m so horrible and should be driven to Hell in a handbasket or force fed 900 Big Macs. Seriously, if you haven’t watched this crap, you don’t know that Fox had NO PLACE putting this shit on TV. At first, when I was angry at the hating on thinner chicks, I was cracking up, but as the show went on I was just like, “No, this is wrong. Fox, it’s one thing to represent the ‘regular population,’ but it’s completely different to EXPLOIT them and make them look absolutely desperate and pitiful on national television. You know damn well that was wrong. Wow.”

So, when I first started watching “More to Love,” I got a little angry. The first four chicks or so were all hating on thinner women, which I think is fucked up. It’s mean and “cruel” if a thin woman insults a “bigger” woman, but they can go to town acting like we don’t eat and “who wants a stick” and all this mess. This is bullshit. It’s a complete double standard for it to be okay for larger women to insult thin women and no one bats an eyelash. So far, I’m done with this shit. People were already calling me insensitive. Insensitive to what??? The fact that you decided to get the taco shell with your taco salad (which is fucking delicious, by the way) and I didn’t?! Boundaries ladies, boundaries. Trust, thin girls eat, we just understand that women’s metabolisms SUCK and we can’t eat all that shit and  not work out and still look lovely. SAD BUT TRUE. Get over it.

However, as the show went on, I just started feeling, almost sorry for these chicks, yes, almost. I thought it was  stupid that they were complaining about dudes being assholes to them when HELLO, guys are assholes to ALL CHICKS, not just overweight ones, please stop trying to make excuses and have some damn self esteem. Still, when some of them talked about never going on a date and shit like that, I was like, “Good lord, Fox has really fucked up this time. This is some terrible shit.” I love that Fox advertised this show as they did, then decided to completely reveal all the insecurities of these women on the FIRST SHOW. Actually, it was pretty twisted. Furthermore, I’m not sure why so many of the conversations the participants had were based on food…like really, fat people only talk about grilling and eating and food? Wow, that’s real limited, Fox. In fact, it’s a hot mess. Yes, I said it. Seriously, we all know there is that one crazy eliminated chick that will cry on the first show, but the rest of them are usually like, “Eff this dude, obvi he didn’t know what he was looking for and I’m awesome so he can go somewhere. Forget him!” This, my friends, is the reaction I want to see. Come on girlie, you don’t know dude from wherever, WHY are you crying over him. Womp womp. These chicks were calling this fat dude an angel and all this bogus shit–whatever. Don’t hate on me, YES HE IS FAT. He weighs over 350 lbs. Ie, fat. Also, the fact that he is fat completely kills the notion of a man with a “regular” woman. Fox is like, “Oh, the skinny people have to stay together and the fats have to stay together.” THIS. IS. BULLSHIT.

Overall, seriously, in ALL SERIOUSNESS, this show was too much. It portrayed every stereotype of overweight women, which really got me thinking….can Fox even make a show that’s not based on stereotypes??? If not, this is just sad. Fox, get some new producers/writers/executive VPs. Y’all lost me on reality TV. Step it up, please. Not everyone is this stupid. Seriously. Fox is the new mainstream America BET. Ugh.

There they are, in those damn trees again.

Although I have been subjected to the terror that is Twilight, not once,  but twice in the literary form, I had never been bored enough to watch the movie. Well kids, today was that day. And I sort of want a vampire to kill me so I can forget that I ever saw this movie. Strangely, I was a fan of the cinematography, but that’s where my positivity ended. The acting itself is retched, a mix between overacting, underacting and mumbling, but seeing the actual story come alive was the worst part.

For those of you who are smart enough to stay away from the Twilight series, it’s about this chick who moves to Forks, Washington, meets this dude and falls obsessively in love with him. Surprise twist, the mofo is a vampire (a vegetarian vampire, no less), which results in chick (Bella) wanting to become a vampire so she can be with him forever. Totally healthy for a 17-year old, right? But let’s get to it. First of all, interestingly enough, Bella has a black dude in her crew at school. That’s all fine and dandy…but do we really think there are black people in Forks, Washington? Come on now, be honest. I’m not being racist, but seriously??? Funny thing is, besides almost killing Bella by hitting her with his car, the dude barely has any lines. Actually, I don’t think anyone has any lines really. The dialogue is filled with awkward silences and sideways glances. It’s obvious that kids apparently have no personality in Forks.

So anyway, at the beginning of the film, Bella and Edward (vampire guy) barely speak at school, although he does save her weird ass a couple of times–they go out once to a restaurant where Edward doesn’t eat (because that wouldn’t make a girl feel fat), Bella figures out he’s a vampire and *BAM* she’s madly in love with him and can’t live without him. Really? Okay, Stephanie Meyer (the author of the Twilight books), I really feel like you’re not setting a good example. Edward creepily comes into Bella’s room at night to watch her sleep without her knowing about it, tells her that she is his life, and all sorts of other shit that sounds crazy coming from a teenager. In fact, it would sound crazy coming from anyone. Bella is no better. She repeatedly freaks out anytime she believes Edward is going to leave her. In fact, it’s pretty much the only time she shows any emotion at all. And weirdly, because Edward and Bella can’t do it (not because they are teenagers, but because Edward won’t be able to “control” himself and will like, eat her or something), I really think that them climbing trees in the movie is symbolism for having sex. It’s really weird, because Edward like, climbs up the tree with Bella on his back and they basically climb around each other while some music is playing. I’m gonna call it tree screwing. Try it sometime. Also, Bella is supposed to be clumsy as shit, yet she’s nimble as a fairy on those damn trees. Sounds fishy to me. Basically, the movie is just pointless. That’s why I don’t really have much to say about it. The actors in it are really lucky, though. I guess it’s cool to be in a movie and get famous because it’s based on a super retarded book when you only have like, five lines. Lucky bastards.

Other things that pissed me off–Cam Gigandet plays the bad vampire, James, in the movie. But they made him look all dirty and shit!!! Like, he has blood under his nails and dirty, tangled long blonde hair. It’s a fucking crime. You can’t make Cam Gigandet look dirty!!! He should have been like, a smooth ass dude. I was annoyed. Also, the kid who plays Jacob in the flick, Taylor Lautner, is pretty hot. And then I Googled him and learned that he’s 17. I feel dirty now–not as dirty as Cam, though. But seriously, have you fucking seen this kid? He can’t keep his shirt on! It’s just WRONG–this 17 year old has like, ridiculous abs–IT’S NOT RIGHT PEOPLE. I need all you guys to take a lesson from Taylor Lautner and get in the gym. Now. And keep going. Repeatedly. Sad thing is, I’ll probably go see New Moon (the sequel), because he’ll probably have his shirt off. Oh, by the way, he’s a werewolf. Surprise!

In conclusion, just stay away from Twilight. If you haven’t read/seen it, don’t start. It’s like a train wreck. Yet, the second book is strangely amusing because Edward isn’t in most of it. That is the only compliment I’ll give. Just stay away, though. It’s scary!!

I always find it interesting that women are considered the weaker sex, but in reality, men are really the biggest pussies out there. Why, you ask? Maybe because…I dunno, they think they can get away with being upset about shit that women would look absolutely PSYCHO if they got upset about. Yea, I fucking said it. Get over it and man up. Let’s look at the act of being led on. And no, I don’t mean when a guy is trying to buy a girl flowers, take her out, buy her gifts, etc etc and then she says she can’t date him because she fell in love with a guy name Fabio. I’m talking about when a guy wants to sleep with her, he thinks he can do it, but for some reason, he doesn’t get to. And then he FLIPS OUT. Christian Bale style. Dummy.

In these common occurrences, men paint the desired woman as a jezebel skank who flirted, wooed, hugged him enough to make him think she was going to drop her panties, but alas, she packed it up and went home at the end of the night. His friends get pissed at her, he stops speaking to her, he tells everyone that she has no feelings and is a tease. But I have two questions: 1) Can you really be mad, son? and 2) Can you blame us?

First of all, please do not act as if your feelings are involved. You don’t want to date us, you want to sleep with us. And ohhhh…sorry…guess what? We don’t give a fuck. Like, really dude? Sorry you didn’t get to “beat” (god I hate that word), but if a chick wants to sleep with you, she knows in what, the first 10 minutes? Yea, that’s probably right. But you can’t expect a chick to sleep with you just to make you feel better or to stroke your ego. We don’t really care that much. And why don’t we care? Because you fucking idiot, you don’t really care about us, you care about sleeping with us. Good enough? No. Let me stress this again–WE DON’T CARE. Let me process this for you–You were going to use us to get your rocks off, we know that so we denied you. WHY ARE YOU MAD? They have hookers for that, good lord.

Also, how many times have women been used for sex, and then the dude is never to be heard from again? Sorry to say, I’ve seen this happen WAY WAY too many times. It’s quite annoying. So, after all that bullshit, even if you don’t want to sleep with a girl just for the sake of it, there is no way that she is actually going to believe that unless you do something extraordinary. And no, buying her a drink and/or dinner is not out of the ordinary. How many guys can actually think of a way to show that they just don’t want the butt? Ding ding–you got it!!! NONE. Blame your own goddamn gender for being full of jackasses.

So, yea. In conclusion, next time you wanna be mad, take a good look at yourself. Remember that time you banged that chick you met at a football game because you were wasted and never called her again. Best believe, she went around and told all her friends what a dick you are, reiterating in their minds that men are just assholes and worthless pieces of life. So think about that. And leave her alone. And hey, maybe even turn gay, we won’t miss you. I have a couple of guys that would love to top you.

xoxo

Uhhh so…yesterday my friend and I decided to do our early April Fool’s Day joke and tell everyone on Facebook that we were in a relationship. Obviously, many of my friends reacted how I expected them to: “You’re a damn fool, hush it up, foolishness.” Ah, gotta love the people who know you. HOWEVER, I also unfortunately received a slew of messages from people sending out their “congratulations” on my new relationship…wait, excuse me?? Last time I checked, getting a boy to be exclusive with you did NOT warrant congratulations, especially in DC, because everyone sucks anyway.

So, really, people, when the fuck did all my friends become boo junkies? Yes, I said it, a BOO JUNKIE. People obsessed with relationships and who love it when other people are in relationships, especially when they are (I guess because they can share the misery??). Now, let’s look at the definition of congratulate:

1archaic : to express sympathetic pleasure at (an event)2: to express vicarious pleasure to (a person) on the occasion of success or good fortune <graciously congratulated the winner> ; also : to feel pleased with <congratulating herself for a job well done>

I mean, I guess if you’re that pressed you can consider being in a relationship “good fortune,” but that’s really only if you’re not happy being alone. YES I SAID IT. Get off me–don’t be mad because I love my damn self. Based on this definition, let me give you some examples of events that warrant congratulations:

1. Winning the lottery

2. Curing AIDS/cancer/idiocy

3. Graduating from undergrad or getting your professional degree

4. Winning the war in Afghanistan

5. Getting a promotion or a new job

6. Losing an abundant amount of weight

7. Beating up your arch nemesis

8. Winning an Olympic medal

9. Finally finding a  bikini that doesn’t make you look like a cow

10. Reversing global warming

And I got those from the Official Book of Congratulations, so don’t try to refute me. On the contrary, here are a list of items that do NOT warrant congratulations:

1. Breathing (unless you had stopped?)

2. Being able to spell your own name

3. Having the courage to tell someone you have herpes

4. Coming out of the closet

5. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP

AT BEST, being in a relationship can get a “good for you, maybe someone else can put up with your wonky eye” or some shit like that. Let’s also point out that one of my friends cited this as an UPGRADE. A fucking UPGRADE–WHAT?!?! So, does this mean I was downgraded before? The only way I could see it as an upgrade is if I bagged a sugar daddy who moved me into a penthouse apartment and paid for my boob job. Otherwise, no thanks. Seriously, you guys are effin’ killing me. Goodness gracious. In fact, I’m going to leave that silly mess up there, just so I can see how many people will actually continue to believe I am a “functional” human being. Pshaw.

Sooo, I’ve avoided commenting on this whole Jessica Simpson fiasco, mostly because I don’t really think she’s fat (although she did get thick) and I honestly don’t really care that her stylist should be fired for putting her in those horrid jeans with that horrid belt. However,  I was recently watching E! News and they decided to do an entire segment on her jeans and how she called Level 99 to send her some “proper” Mom jeans to avoid that look again. Fine, okay. She wanted new jeans–I don’t give a shit. BUT THEN, they made a point (which I also found uncalled for) to mention what size she asked for when she ordered. And guess what size it was?! A SIZE 25.

Now, for those of you who don’t know what that means in American sizes, it means that Jessica Simpson is weighing in at a whopping size 0!!! And not that everyone needs to be a size 0, but how many of you believe that? **Raise your hand** Anyone?!?! **Crickets** Yea, uh, that’s what I thought. And who else is reported to be a size 0? Eva Longoria. Now this, I can believe-she’s tiny. But Jessica Simpson could eat Eva Longoria for an afternoon snack. Sorry, but there is no way they are the same size.

So now you’re asking, why does this anger me? Why do I care what size Jessica Simpson lies and says she is? I’ll tell you why: 1) Every celebrity who gets called fat comes out with a statement saying that they are proud to embrace their curves, but then turns around and boasts some tiny little size (think of JLH when she shot back at the media calling herself a size 2). As a result, millions of little girls begin to think that a size 0 is “curvy,” so they exercise and starve their way to look like this–all at the ripe old age of 11. Thanks, Jess. 2) I wonder how events like this make actual overweight people feel, or even not overweight–the women that are actually a size 8 and don’t run around cutting the tags off their jeans or marking a size 29 to look like a 25. Like really, what’s wrong with being a size 8? If you’re an 8, you’re an 8, Craig, you ain’t gots to lie. 3) The lie is so blatant, it’s utterly ridiculous. I swear, the chick on E! News couldn’t even say “25″ with a straight face, I promise. Once again, I’m not saying Jessica Simpson is fat, but girl, I saw that pocket of fat on your tricep when your arm was up (not against your side which yes, I know, makes your arm look fat). DO. NOT. LIE. TO. ME. And everyone who wants to talk about pictures and how the camera adds 10lbs…okay, so where’s the pocket of fat on all the other tiny celebs that claim to wear a 25? Riiiight…exactly.

I just find it super annoying that all these damn chicks are like, “How dare you call me fat! I wear this size, I weigh this much.” Instead, why don’t you dumb bitches say, “You know what, America? It’s none of your damn business what I weigh or what size I wear. I look absolutely fabulous, stop hatin’ and go fuck yourselves. Save that shit for LoHo will she’s starving herself on the coke diet.” Ah, and they would say that if they actually didn’t care. Which further proves my point that no one really wants to admit–

NO ONE WANTS TO BE THE FAT GIRL. I don’t want to be her, you don’t want to be her. NO ONE wants to be her. Just admit it, America. And after you do, put down the Taco Bell Grilled Stufft Burrito and take your ass to the gym. I’ll see you there.

So, for Valentine’s Day, my friends and I hit up Shadow Room, one of DC’s newest “hot spots.” I mean, it wasn’t that bad–when we got there, the line wasn’t long at all and the bouncers were pretty nice. The highlight of the night was the DJ, who was dance mixing songs like “Livin’ on a Prayer” to sound trendy and dancey, instead of songs you scream at the top of your lungs at 1am in a dive bar because you’re wasted.

Anyway, so we’re hanging around, and these two dudes walk up to us–one was Asian and one was Indian. No, I’m not stating this because it matters or because I’m racist, but usually guys in the club tend to act like their shit doesn’t stink, and I’ve found this to be especially true with either Indian or Japanese dudes. Sorry, just an observation. None of us are interested in these dudes in the least, basically because they came up to us trying to act all smooth and it was just really annoying. Not to mention, I think I was the same height as these players. UH okay… pass. And honestly, I don’t think I really had room to talk, because I think the MAC artist made me look like a tranny (WAY too much makeup going on). After a couple of minutes, the Indian guy leans in to his friend and states audibly, “Let’s get outta here and talk to some other girls.” HAH, really?! I mean, we had basically already dismissed them, but who says that out loud? Talk about douchey.

Fast forward later into the night–the Indian dude comes up to me to talk to me AGAIN. After I already didn’t want to talk to him. I think I just stood there looking uninterested for a minute….he gets a clue, but instead of bowing out like a man, he goes, “That’s fine, you’re ugly anyway.” Pardon me. dude!? I mean, okay, maybe my makeup artist went a little overboard with the smokey eye, but if I’m so damn ugly, why are you trying to talk to me in the first place? Seriously, this is one of the things that pisses me off most about men. Do not insult a woman just because she has rejected you. You simply look like a little bitch who never gets any ass. I mean, for this guy, I’m sure that was true, but you don’t really need to exude that to the masses.

So, my response to this dude? I may or may not have pushed him. And then yelled at him a little. I mean…yea, yea, I know, I’m so mean, but I really wanted to deck him. I just wish I had a picture of him to post on here. Stalking fail.

So, against my better judgment, I turned on the new season of From G’s To Gents while I was at the gym just now. I immediately regretted it, because this thing showed up on my TV screen:

WHAT IS THAT?! Is that a man or some weird wigga cartoon?!?! Okay, let’s break this down. Things that are wrong with this thing include:

Those icky, gross beads. Why are you wearing them and why are they so damn colorful? Did you just come from a cruise to the Bahamas and went to one of those little flea markets with ladies braiding tourists’ hair? Did the person who did those dreadful things fail to get enough of one color–or get clear or black beads? Seriously, what the EFF is going on? I hate you already.

What is that red and green shit in your hair man?! CHRISTMAS IS OVER. I didn’t know that G’s used Manic Panic. Seriously, I really hate you so much. Are those crunchy or what? I almost bet you $20 that when you get home you’re gonna wash that nasty spray-in color out. What are you trying to do!?!??! The show is From G’s to Gents, not Circus Freaks on Parade.

The grill: I am so tired of grills on this damn show! In fact, I’m tired of them, period. They’re the worst! How come you can afford to get your hair looking like that mess but you can’t afford a proper dentist? UGH.

His eyebrows: Wasn’t it cool to do crazy shit to your eyebrows in like, the 90s?? And this dude is all talking about he’s original. Okay man, just because you look a hot mess it doesn’t make you original. It just makes you a hot mess that happens to resemble a Skittle. Seriously, I promise you. It has to stop.

And this is really the deal breaker: You can’t see it in the picture, but this dude has an effing MTV logo tattoo ON HIS NECK. Did you get that when you found out you were going to be on the show, or were you always that much of an idiot?? The executives at Viacom have to be evil people, because I feel like there is no way this guy should be seen in public, and ESPECIALLY not on TV. It’s just wrong; it’s like exploiting a retarded child. There are some lines that you just don’t cross. You just don’t!

The worst thing is, they didn’t kick this dude off of the show. So…I hate to say it, but I gotta boycott season 2 until this monstrosity is off the show. I can’t decide if I want to throw up or eat Fun Fetti when I look at his ass. And I really don’t want to do either. UGH.

So…I just ate a Portabella Gardenburger for lunch, and I really need to comment, because I really don’t know what’s going on right now.  First of all, here are the ingredients:

Cooked Brown Rice, Mushrooms (Crimini, Portabella), Onions, Mozzarella Cheese ([Pasteurized Milk, Cultures, Salt, Enzymes], Nonfat Milk, Corn Starch, Natural Flavors, Annatto [Vegetable Color]), Soy Protein Concentrate-Hydrated, Rolled Oats, Oat Fiber, Spinach, Salt, Wild Rice, High Oleic Canola Oil, Soy Protein Isolate, Dried Garlic, Vegetable Gum, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Natural Flavors, Sugar, Dried Onion, Spices, Torula Yeast, Citric Acid, Corn Oil, Soy Flour, Natural Smoke Flavor, Molasses, Butter Oil, Sunflower Oil, Caramel Color.
Contains: Milk and Soy.

Sounds normal (yet absolutely disgusting) enough, right?  Now, I actually like (maybe love) these veggie burgers, so my beef is not with the taste.  I wanna talk about how I think my burger had coke/crack/vivarin in it.  10..no, 5 minutes after I eat this thing, my head and chest hurt, and I have this weird taste in the back of my throat.  It’s like I just snorted fives lines…wtf?  Gardenburger, what is going on?  What did you put in this thing?  If I throw up at work, I’m writing A LETTER.  And why is this thing labeled “heart healthy” when I feel like my heart is about to explode?  Hmmm??  FOR SHAME, Gardenburger, FOR SHAME!

First of all, let me start off by saying that if I had actually paid for this movie with my own money, I would have been pretty mad.  Fortunately, I went to see Spiderman 3 with my Dad and bro, allowing for a more humorous reaction to this literally ridiculous attempt at cinema and the Spiderman trilogy (or however many they are going to make).

Let’s start with Tobey Maguire.  It was always a bad choice for him to be Spiderman, because, let’s face it, he’s just not pleasing to look at.  I don’t care if he’s saving the city or solving a physics equation, I just don’t want to look at him.  EVER. Now, Jake Gyllenhaal would have made a lovely, lovely Spiderman. He has the whole geeky-sexy thing down to a T. And, I can actually believe that he can kick some butt. Tobey—not so much. Also, was it just me, or did it look like he didn’t train enough for this movie? I know that he always gets fat when he isn’t filming, but usually goes on some crazy unhealthy diet and gets cut for the Spidey flicks. This time…not so much. He looked bloated. Like, he could have done with a mild diuretic. Which was interesting, because Eddie Brock pointed out that Peter Parker’s shots of Spiderman make him look bloated. Nope sorry, that’s not the camera, that’s Tobey Maguire’s fat girly ass. Also, in this movie, Peter Parker is going through some kind of “dark” phase where he is seemingly cool and sexy. Uh…not (even though they did poke fun of this and it was clear that Peter was scaring some women). As “dark” Parker, his bangs were swept in his face—wow, talk about a bad Tom Cruise look gone worse. Just terrible. He looked like an extra on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Or even worse, kind of like Harry Potter. I know, I’ve done enough Tobey bashing, but I cannot conclude my report of distaste without noting that they decided to make Spiderman CRY for like HALF THE MOVIE. Since when is Spiderman a wimp? I thought that superheroes were supposed to look passionate/angry/determined when something bad happens, not cry and throw a temper tantrum in the police chief’s office. Oh Spidey, how I loved you so, and you just had to go and ruin it with Flo-bey (or Flabby) Maguire. 

Moving on…Kirsten Drunkst in the film again. Seriously, the casting in these films is just horrible (which I will elaborate on later). But this time, it seems like they made a point to show close ups of Kirsten smiling with her jagged trailer park teeth as much as possible. Unacceptable. If there are two people who are never ready for their close-ups, it’s Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire. Furthermore, as Zaarn pointed out, MJ decides to let her anger build and build for the “full of himself” Peter Parker, yet NEVER tells him that a) she sucks and him saying how great he is just reminds her of her suckiness or b) that he’s a ham and should stick to saving people instead of doing his own PR. They have agencies for that, Spidey. Oh, and MJ also becomes a two-timing whore in the movie and kisses Harry (played by James Franco), who *womp womp*, is too hot for her fugly self anyway. I also love how EVERY supervillian who wants to piss off Spiderman goes and roughs up Mary Jane, but hey, those are the comics. Oh well.

Only two points to make about James Franco—well, three. 1. I don’t believe that Spiderman can kick his ass to the degree that he did, 2. I don’t believe he would ever want to kiss someone like Kirsten Dunst, 3. I can’t believe they melted half the face of the only attractive man in the movie. Oh, and made him blind in one eye. They should have just killed him then. And I don’t know about you, but if you blow up half my face, we aren’t making up—ever. Then again, maybe I’m a jerk.

And, *womp womp,* WHY is Topher Grace (from that 70s Show) playing Venom? Isn’t Venom supposed to be this huge roided out looking guy? Right. And they have ”Eric’s” skinny ass playing him. When he puts on the Venom suit he miraculously gains about 50 lbs of muscle. *Womp Womp.* Also, for some reason, I just can’t imagine Topher Grace as evil. His portrayal of an evil, self-promoting man was actually pretty humorous. I found myself cracking up when I clearly should not have been. They also didn’t need to give him a yuckmouth to go with Tobey Maguire’s yuckface when he turned into Venom. Once again, unnecessary.

In conclusion (and because I’m tired of writing), I must say that throughout the film I said, “Wow, this movie really sucks,” “Oh my God, when is this over?”, “Terrible…just terrible” (with my head in my hands, shaking it in disgust), and winced whenever Kirsten Dunst or Tobey Maguire made an attempt to be sexy. I literally sat there with a look of disgust on my face. I mean, the movie is so ridiculous and over the top that’s it’s entertaining, but I definitely wouldn’t pay money to see it. The action scenes are pretty cool though. Deezy’s Grade for Spidey 3? C, C- for melting James Franco’s face.