Ladies, my gift to you. Next time you are going on a date, simply have him fill out this application, and be on your way to dating bliss. Or kicking his wack ass to the curb.

Name:

Age:

Height:

Weight:

Physical Build (i.e. athletic, thin, toned, meathead, too much to love):

College/Major:

Occupation:

Hours/Days You Work in a Week:

Political Affiliation:

Do you have any kids? If yes, do they live with you?

How many days do you work out in a week?

How much can you bench press?

How often do you eat out or eat fast food?

What kind of music do you like? Please be as specific as possible.

Can you dance? Sober or drunk?

How many nights do you go out a week?

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?

Do you like Harry Potter or Twilight?

What are your thoughts on Kobe Bryant?

What is your favorite NFL football team?

What extracurricular activities and/or sports do you engage in?

Please indicate what you would wear (top, bottom, footwear) at the following venues: a) a sporting event during the day, b) an after work happy hour, c) a dive-type bar (i.e. Adam’s Morgan, College Park), d) a lounge, e) a bar in Bethesda, f) Dewey Beach and/or Ocean City, g) a house party, h) a cookout.

Name the preferred activity–Text Messaging, Calling, Email:

Finish the scenario–You’re out at a bar solo with a girl, it’s around 11pm and her friends are around the corner. She wants them to come meet up with you guys. How do you respond?

What is the appropriate time of day to cease wearing flip flops, if at all?

Do you have any extra incentives (i.e. a boat, a beach house, a pool, etc)?

Finish the scenario–You’re out with your friends and a date, and for some reason, your friend is being completely inappropriate to your date, whether they are being rude, flirtatious, whatever. How do you react?

At this time in your life, what do you feel you want out of a relationship?

In your opinion, when is it acceptable to wear Crocs?

Now, from dude’s reactions to previous posts, I am not stupid enough to actually reveal what a guy has to put to go to the second round of the application process. Just print this out and go! Remember to say I sent you. Errr…or not?

xoxo

So, I’ve been getting a lot of backlash regarding the increase of man bashing that’s been going on in my writing. I mean, what can I say? Certain things have um, inspired me lately. However, I need y’all to calm down a little bit. First of all, it’s really not that serious. Someone told me that I can’t talk about a serious subject, then write it off in jest. Really, I didn’t know I couldn’t do that, sir. Also, I’m not talking about the AIDS epidemic or prisoner torture–I’m talking about fucking dating. Which, fortunately, to me, isn’t that serious. Probably because I never want to get married or have kids, so it’s not really a priority to me. But I digress. Yes, I am quite aware that women are known to do some ridiculous shit as well. I’m not really sure how I’m going to write this, because I usually am involved in friendship situations with chicks and only hear some things about them from my guy friends…but I’ll put in the effort if it’ll make you men calm the eff down. Goodness.

1. Ladies, I really need you to stop trying to steal your friends’ boyfriends. Yea, okay, you thought you were going to meet the dude of your dreams by the time you were 24 and were supposed to get married on the beach in a light blue strapless flowing gown with 300 of your closest friends…ooooh, and then you woke up. So why don’t you suck it up and act like a real friend and frickin’ be happy for your girl? You skank. ALSO, if you get caught, omg, please, PLEASE, do not start crying and begging your friend to still love you and you didn’t mean to do it and you guys should never let a guy come between you….You probably should have thought of that before you started giving him hickies in the back of his pickup. You don’t deserve good friends. Next.

2. What’s up with the unnecessary competition between female friends?! I’m going to have to say, personally, I only like cute people, so I love it when I go out with my girls and they are looking extra fierce. I find it so ridiculous when you walk into a room to meet your friends and one of them goes, “Oh *frown*, aw, you look cuter than me.” What, ho? Dumbest girl shit to say ever. Who’s to blame for that? There are only two possible answers for this: God and you. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, worry about yourself. Shit man. Grow up.

3. This one is really funny to me. Let’s get something straight right now. No one particularly enjoys being overweight. Now, there are some people who might be comfortable with their size, but no one walks into McD’s everyday saying, “Man, I can’t wait to get fat! I love these fucking rolls on the back of my neck!” So ladies, please stop faking and do not a) talk shit about your friends when they are dedicated to fitness and try to make them feel bad about themselves because your ass is too lazy to go to the gym and b) if you are losing weight, whether it’s on purpose or not, do not fucking complain about it. Because, really, who doesn’t like losing weight unless it’s due to a terminal illness? Dummy.

4. Do not try to change a man’s mind regarding how he feels about you or what he’s trying to get out of your relationship. It’s going to bite you in the ass, and in the end the only thing I can say is, “I told you so.” You date a guy for a couple of months and he’s like, “We’re just having fun, I don’t want to have a relationship.” OKAY LADIES. AT THIS MOMENT, you either accept the status of your current relationship or you get the fuck out, and get out quickly. Don’t continue to think, “Maybe if I cook for him enough and show him that I’ll be a good girlfriend he’ll fall in love with me.” Men are hard-headed!! And you were lucky enough to have a guy who didn’t want to lead you on. Leave it alone and move on. Otherwise, you’re just going to start becoming super needy and ridiculous. And baby, we don’t want that. I don’t want that for you.

5. Calling dibs or being super possessive of a guy, when you really have no claim over him. You’re going to look maaaaad ignorant and crazy, not only to the guy you’re directing this towards, but to all your friends as well. And they’re going to talk about you behind your back. And I, personally, am going to giggle at you in your face and call you a crazy ho. Yea I know, especially when you’re drunk as hell you start thinking of all this crazy stuff. I will admit, with alcohol to fuel the fire, I have been like, the queen of developing conspiracy theories in my head. That shit has GOT to stop and usually make no sense when you sober up. So just consider this beforehand and blame it on the alcohol–but ignore it.

6. Do not date a guy who treats you like shit for months, bitch about him to all your friends, which will ultimately make them hate his guts, then CONTINUE to date him!!!! Really, chick? What the fuck? I can’t even feel sorry for you now, and everything bad that I’ve said about guys has been canceled out by your inability to act normal and leave a really shitty situation. And also, here’s another result of your stupid actions–your friends aren’t going to want to be around old boy due to all the shit you said about him, so now you either have to alienate your friends or be one hell of a juggler between your relationship and your friends. So, think. You alienate your friends, and then all you have left is the asshole who’s treating you like shit in the first place. Because that’s healthy. I once had a friend who dated this guy–he didn’t treat her like complete shit, but he was def a little possessive and off. They had the EXACT SAME argument everyday, and she’d always come to me bitching and crying about it. Finally, I told her, “Dude look, if you don’t want to break up with him that’s on you, but seriously, I can’t hear about this anymore. It’s just painful to hear the same thing everyday and nothing is being done to resolve the situation.” SO, she got MAD AT ME because I was being a bad friend because I didn’t want to listen to her whining anymore. Yea, that was one of the reasons I realized her ass was crazy. We no longer speak.

7. Getting mad at the chick your boyfriend is cheating on you with if she didn’t know about you. I mean, it’s a definite possibility that he said he didn’t have a girlfriend in order to get in the other chick’s pants. So honestly, I know it sucks, but it’s really not her fault. It can be hard not to lunge for the person that you have a better chance of beating up when you walk in on them in bed or something, but just let the poor girl get dressed and leave. However, if she knew that you were the guy’s girlfriend and is blatantly trying to take your man, super soak both of them with vinegar (lol, I just thought of that, oh man, they’d stink SO BAD! giggle) and proceed to leave and saunter down the street like the sexy little minx you are.

8. Ladies, please, for the love of God, stop keying cars, slashing tires, busting windows out of cars, any of that mess. I blame Jazmine Sullivan and Carrie Underwood for this shit. They do it in music videos and look all hot and badass fucking up a dude’s shit because he deserves it, but let me make this very clear: THIS DOES NOT TRANSLATE INTO REAL LIFE. And furthermore, it’s not even very creative (see vinegar example above, now THAT is hilarious). I think I draw the line at egging stuff (not that I’ve ever done that…) because at least with eggs, they suck to clean up, but there’s usually no permanent damage. But doing anything that involves a weapon or costs a shitload of money to fix, really, you’re just doing too much. I mean, when people hear the story they will probably find it hilarious, but not in a funny haha way, more of a daaaaamn that’s hilarious that ho is crazy way. Just sayin. Do yourself a favor, and if someone pisses you off that badly that you need to do some shit like that, have them exit your life. Quickly.

9. Stop acting shady, then acting like a victim when people get pissed at you. You know damn well what you were trying to do, so why don’t you just man up about it and respond with a, “Yea, I did that shit. And what of it nuckas!” Personally, I’m going to respect you way more than if you make up some other bullshit about how you had no idea that someone would be upset by what you did or you didn’t know you couldn’t do that or you didn’t think that was disrespectful. Just hush it up and go out like a G. For some reason, women never want to look aggressive or like they are capable of being spiteful on purpose. But, newsflash, we ARE SPITEFUL. Don’t deny it! Just know when you can bring it out. Strategy, ladies…

10. Don’t do really really slutty things, then get upset when people call you a slut. Like, really bitch, are you kidding?! Don’t let the football team run a train on you and then get defensive when other nice guys don’t want to date you or chicks start whispering about you. You brought that on yourself. And why would you even think that is okay?!?!?! EW girl! Just ew!

I know this wasn’t as angry as my rants usually are, but I’m sorry, it’s really hard to hate on my own gender! I also had way less examples. Hopefully, this helped you all come to the conclusion that no, I don’t spend all day thinking of ways to hate men, I hate everyone!!! Duh.

I always find it interesting that women are considered the weaker sex, but in reality, men are really the biggest pussies out there. Why, you ask? Maybe because…I dunno, they think they can get away with being upset about shit that women would look absolutely PSYCHO if they got upset about. Yea, I fucking said it. Get over it and man up. Let’s look at the act of being led on. And no, I don’t mean when a guy is trying to buy a girl flowers, take her out, buy her gifts, etc etc and then she says she can’t date him because she fell in love with a guy name Fabio. I’m talking about when a guy wants to sleep with her, he thinks he can do it, but for some reason, he doesn’t get to. And then he FLIPS OUT. Christian Bale style. Dummy.

In these common occurrences, men paint the desired woman as a jezebel skank who flirted, wooed, hugged him enough to make him think she was going to drop her panties, but alas, she packed it up and went home at the end of the night. His friends get pissed at her, he stops speaking to her, he tells everyone that she has no feelings and is a tease. But I have two questions: 1) Can you really be mad, son? and 2) Can you blame us?

First of all, please do not act as if your feelings are involved. You don’t want to date us, you want to sleep with us. And ohhhh…sorry…guess what? We don’t give a fuck. Like, really dude? Sorry you didn’t get to “beat” (god I hate that word), but if a chick wants to sleep with you, she knows in what, the first 10 minutes? Yea, that’s probably right. But you can’t expect a chick to sleep with you just to make you feel better or to stroke your ego. We don’t really care that much. And why don’t we care? Because you fucking idiot, you don’t really care about us, you care about sleeping with us. Good enough? No. Let me stress this again–WE DON’T CARE. Let me process this for you–You were going to use us to get your rocks off, we know that so we denied you. WHY ARE YOU MAD? They have hookers for that, good lord.

Also, how many times have women been used for sex, and then the dude is never to be heard from again? Sorry to say, I’ve seen this happen WAY WAY too many times. It’s quite annoying. So, after all that bullshit, even if you don’t want to sleep with a girl just for the sake of it, there is no way that she is actually going to believe that unless you do something extraordinary. And no, buying her a drink and/or dinner is not out of the ordinary. How many guys can actually think of a way to show that they just don’t want the butt? Ding ding–you got it!!! NONE. Blame your own goddamn gender for being full of jackasses.

So, yea. In conclusion, next time you wanna be mad, take a good look at yourself. Remember that time you banged that chick you met at a football game because you were wasted and never called her again. Best believe, she went around and told all her friends what a dick you are, reiterating in their minds that men are just assholes and worthless pieces of life. So think about that. And leave her alone. And hey, maybe even turn gay, we won’t miss you. I have a couple of guys that would love to top you.

xoxo

Uhhh so…yesterday my friend and I decided to do our early April Fool’s Day joke and tell everyone on Facebook that we were in a relationship. Obviously, many of my friends reacted how I expected them to: “You’re a damn fool, hush it up, foolishness.” Ah, gotta love the people who know you. HOWEVER, I also unfortunately received a slew of messages from people sending out their “congratulations” on my new relationship…wait, excuse me?? Last time I checked, getting a boy to be exclusive with you did NOT warrant congratulations, especially in DC, because everyone sucks anyway.

So, really, people, when the fuck did all my friends become boo junkies? Yes, I said it, a BOO JUNKIE. People obsessed with relationships and who love it when other people are in relationships, especially when they are (I guess because they can share the misery??). Now, let’s look at the definition of congratulate:

1archaic : to express sympathetic pleasure at (an event)2: to express vicarious pleasure to (a person) on the occasion of success or good fortune <graciously congratulated the winner> ; also : to feel pleased with <congratulating herself for a job well done>

I mean, I guess if you’re that pressed you can consider being in a relationship “good fortune,” but that’s really only if you’re not happy being alone. YES I SAID IT. Get off me–don’t be mad because I love my damn self. Based on this definition, let me give you some examples of events that warrant congratulations:

1. Winning the lottery

2. Curing AIDS/cancer/idiocy

3. Graduating from undergrad or getting your professional degree

4. Winning the war in Afghanistan

5. Getting a promotion or a new job

6. Losing an abundant amount of weight

7. Beating up your arch nemesis

8. Winning an Olympic medal

9. Finally finding a  bikini that doesn’t make you look like a cow

10. Reversing global warming

And I got those from the Official Book of Congratulations, so don’t try to refute me. On the contrary, here are a list of items that do NOT warrant congratulations:

1. Breathing (unless you had stopped?)

2. Being able to spell your own name

3. Having the courage to tell someone you have herpes

4. Coming out of the closet

5. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP

AT BEST, being in a relationship can get a “good for you, maybe someone else can put up with your wonky eye” or some shit like that. Let’s also point out that one of my friends cited this as an UPGRADE. A fucking UPGRADE–WHAT?!?! So, does this mean I was downgraded before? The only way I could see it as an upgrade is if I bagged a sugar daddy who moved me into a penthouse apartment and paid for my boob job. Otherwise, no thanks. Seriously, you guys are effin’ killing me. Goodness gracious. In fact, I’m going to leave that silly mess up there, just so I can see how many people will actually continue to believe I am a “functional” human being. Pshaw.

**Disclaimer: Before I begin this post, I would like to state that THIS IS ALL IN FUN. In fact, I don’t even want a boyfriend and think the entire male gender is full of shit anyway. So really, don’t think I’m being serious and this is a real checklist. Seriously. I don’t want any comments or emails about how my standards are so high no one could ever actually meet them. Really, don’t send me any text messages about how I’m a bitch or how no one will ever love me because I’m so cold hearted. This is a joke. It is not referring to a specific group or individual. So don’t come at me with that shit.**

Sincerely,

The Management

Soooooo it’s, 2009–a new year. Time to get fit, kick those bad habits and finally do everything you promised you were going to  do last year, but got too drunk to get around to. Or you were too hungover, whatever. I’m going to be 26 this year, so it might be the year I decide to settle on down (sike). However, in order to meet that special mate, I need to carefully map out his pre-requisites so I can weed out all the losers and jerks. Call my standards high, whatever. It gives you something to strive for. Aaaaaand, go.

1. Seriously, I’ve been ranting about this for the past two days, and I have determined that it’s in my top five pet peeves. DO NOT EAT SHITTY FOOD ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Just don’t! I don’t care if you’re fat, skinny, whatever. In fact, even if your body is absolutely bangin’ this is a problem. You wanna know why? Because that shit is gross. Do not go to Taco Bell sober and call that your dinner. And I know a lot of guys can’t cook, but really son?!?!?! Holler at your nearest Whole Foods and order up some sushi or something!!! There are also many of “fast food” options that aren’t absolutely disgusting, like a grilled chicken sammich or a baked potato (in fact, these are my weekend foods of choice). Now, I am known to get wasted and wolf down some chinese food or Mcd’s in one hot minute…but not sober! Ewwie. Also, if I’m hanging out with you, it makes me more likely to eat that gross shit, because I don’t want to look like I’m anorexic in front of you. In fact, this used to PISS ME OFF about my ex-boyfriend. He could eat an entire medium NY style pizza and not gain a pound. I would eat three pieces and be bloated for three days. Eff you guys, really. Eat a salad.

2. WORK OUT. Now, by work out I don’t mean spend 10 hrs a day in the gym, or even five days a week. I mean, come on, at least two days is really all I’m asking for. That’s not so hard, is it? And I know, often our work/personal schedule conflicts with the workout schedule and sometimes we don’t make it for a whole week. This is not mean you should stop going altogether. The next week, get right back into the routine and lift some weights, dude! And if I ask you to go somewhere with me and your response is, “Naw babe, I gotta work out for at least 30 minutes,” I promise, I will love you all the more for it. Just don’t make a habit of it. 2009 is supposed to be a sexy year (doesn’t it just look sexy?), so let’s bring it back! **Cue Justin Timberlake music now**

3. Along with working out, do not be a work-a-holic. Yes, we all have to work crazy hours sometimes and do a bunch of dumb shit to get ahead in our careers, but that does not entail working every gdamn weekend. Periodic crazy schedules are fine, a constant stream of “I can’t, I have to work,” is the quickest way for me to stop speaking to you because a) You’re probably just not that into me anyway and I’m no glutton for punishment and b) You obvi have some time management problems you need to work on. Also, how come guys simply can’t multi-task as well as women? Do we need to write you guys a book? Take care of it simpletons, or let the door hit you.

4. Oh God, learn how to dress. PLEASE. I once knew this guy–total sweetheart, hot body, can drink with the best of them, but…one time we went out and he was wearing a hawaiian shirt with wooden buttons. In Bethesda. At the bar. At night. REALLY?! Who in God’s name told you that was acceptable bar attire, even in the effing summer? You have GOT to be kidding me. Sheesh, you don’t need to have stepped out of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but do a little bit of fashion research and figure that shit out. Jeans and a tshirt, not so hard, but definitely hot. Jesus, you all piss me off! Next!

5. In the beginning of our “courtship,” do not ask me out for Saturday night during Saturday afternoon and expect me to go. Just don’t, because I won’t do it. Even if I have absolutely nothing to do, there is no way I’m going to let a guy ask me out on the same day and I’ll come ‘a runnin’. I think a good doorway is like, two days, minimum. Why? I dunnno, not too rushed, and not planned weeks in advance. Sounds good to me, right? Then why can’t guys adhere to this simple rule? Oh yea…because you’re all dummies. Seriously, what makes you think that this chick is just sitting around, waiting for you to ask her to do something? You think you’re that fun? Probs not. I’d rather sit at home ironing my bedsheets. Get outta here.

Well kids, that’s really all I can think of right now–I think those are my top five. Hate me if you want, just telling you the truth. Smooches.

I repeatedly have asked myself the same exact question, and still haven’t been able to come up with a good answer.  Why, oh why, are men such fails?!  Allow me to demonstrate YET ANOTHER case in point.  So, my friend was dating this guy, supposedly called “The Grown-Up” for his mature mannerisms for a little…However, GU became a little distant after a few weeks, and upon further inquiry, he finally told my friend that he was getting back together with his ex, but wasn’t sure how long it was going to last.  Okay…so you’re telling her that you can’t see her anymore to get back together with someone who probably will dump you fairly soon.  Fail #1.

Then, a few weeks later, he calls her asking him to give her a call.  Um…what?  Why?  We are intrigued and get drunk, so she calls him back.  What does he want?  To invite her on a weeklong vacay to a bed and breakfast.  What happened to your gf, GU?  Yoooouuu got it, they broke up.  Fail #2.  Thankfully, my friend is appalled at this behavior, stating that she is not on “layaway” and will not stand for such gestures.  However, GU keeps continuing to call and email her, even after her response, if any, is lackluster.  GU, why don’t you get the hint?  NO ONE is going to be excited to be someone’s second choice.  Fail #3.

Fail #4 is my favorite.  After my friend states to GU that she is busy for like the next two weeks (ie the rest of her life to him), he sends her a text letting her know to call him if she is up for some “late night fun.”  So now, she is not only on layaway, but she is a hooker on layaway with perhaps a 900-number for text messages.  Terrible.  KYS.  I have now become increasingly agitated with this behavior and beg to call GU in the late night.  She concurs.  Win.  I call GU and ask him why he continues to call my friend after initially breaking up with her for his ex, ’cause uh, she doesn’t really wanna talk to you.  He hangs up on me.  Aw, can’t take the heat can you, GU?  Punk ass.  However, instead of finally taking the hint, GU leaves my friend a message asking what was up with her friend calling to harass him because he thought everything was all good.  REALLY?!  GU, you see nothing wrong with this?  Obviously, she doesn’t give a shit about you, or I wouldn’t have been able to call you in the first place.  Think about it.

So, in conclusion, my belief that men are delusional, erroneous assholes is further confirmed.  Thanks, GU, for making my drunk night interesting by calling you.  Maybe we can actually talk next time and you can try to tell me off.  Because I’d love that.  Holla bitch.

Hey guys, so something happened to my friend today that I found so utterly ridiculous I just had to write something pertaining to it. We can call this my 7 year update on the Friend Zone. Who knows, maybe in another 7 years I’ll be writing the marriage zone. Umm…gross, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Anyway, here is goes, 8 tips for the Hook-Up Zone. Unlike the Friend Zone, these are mostly for women, but I guess they apply to both.

1. This one should totally go without saying, but play “Full Life.” Yes, we all know games are for children, but with this one, you’re really playing for keeps. If you already have plans with friends on Saturday and the guy you’re dating calls you on Friday night to go out on Saturday, DO NOT CANCEL WITH YOUR FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH HIM. Do not! First of all, you’ll look like an ass in front of your friends. Sure, they might support you dating this dude, but don’t you have a life too? I’ll bet you $100 he’s not canceling guys’ night out to go see The Notebook with you. If he really likes you, he’ll get over it and learn to ask you out with reasonable notice. Or, he’ll accept that you’ll get up with him later that night (i.e. booty call, if you’re into that).

2. Unless he is your “already had the exclusive talk” boyfriend, do NOT get pissed at him, freak out, or turn into a MySpace stalker if you see that other girls are calling/talking to/IMing him. DO NOT. I know, it’s hard, but this is one you really have to leave to venting with the girls. Wanna know why? Well, first of all, you have no idea where this girl comes from or what their status is. She could be his cousin for all you know. Also, you just look plum crazy and possessive, and he’ll probably let his girl friend in on your little tirade. What if that’s his BFF from 2nd grade who he goes to for advice about everything? Congrats, shitface, she now hates you. Oh, and she’s probably laughing at you right now and calling you a psycho chickenhead bi-atch. Niiice.

3. Do NOT drunk dial with this message or conversation starter: “Oh my god! Hey _____. So me and my friends were at this club and all these guys were trying to talk to me but all I could think about was how much I wanted you and ohmigod I miss you and I think you should come over tonight because I really can’t sleep if you’re not in bed with me and you smell so good and I think I love you you’re so hot!!!” So we’ve all drunk dialed before, and we’ve all looked crazy. I don’t know about you, but looking crazy pisses me off more than anything, especially when it comes to men. And I don’t mean cute goofy crazy, I mean “wow that girl needs someone to talk to” crazy. Save yourself the trouble.

4. Date other guys. Why? Why not, ho-bag?! If you’re as spankin’ hot as you say you are, you should have guys lining up at your door to date you. Why would you put all your eggs in one basket? If he’s so great, I’m sure there are at least 3 other girls who dig him…so do your thing. It’ll keep your mind off of all that loving crap. And no, I’m not telling you to sleep with the entire Ravens’ offensive line. I said date; told you that you were a ho-bag. P

5. Don’t call him your boyfriend unless he calls you his girlfriend first. I know, they shouldn’t get to call all the shots, but for some reason, this label freaks out guys waaay more than girls. If a guy calls you his girlfriend, and you’re not, what do you say? “Oh, that’s cute…I didn’t know that’s what you call me when I’m not around…haha” Guys are like, “Oh naw hell no I’m not her boyfriend…what’s her name again? I forget. Oooh that girl over there is hot. Ciao.” Alright, guys don’t say ‘ciao.’ I don’t know, guys are crazy. Everything freaks them out. I’d much rather be freaked out than freak someone out. But that’s just me. By the way, do you like the movie Single White Female?

6. If you are MARRIED, do not try to “hang out” with a single, attractive person of the opposite sex. Don’t tell them that your marriage isn’t going so well (does she know that?), that you just want “have some laughs” and think they are cool (don’t you have friends for that?) or that you aren’t the kind of person to get drunk and hit on someone—but they are super cute (okay so clearly you can hit on them while sober). You just wanted to let them know that. OH, and if they don’t want to hang out anymore once they find out that you had a wedding and took vows and ate cake and shit, don’t act like it’s their fault. What kind of retard are you? You shouldn’t even be TRYING to be in the hook-up zone. Get back in the marriage zone! What is wrong with you?!

7. Don’t expect a guy to call you. Isn’t that sad? I know, I know, it’s extremely pessimistic. But, at least if he doesn’t call you, you won’t be at home listening to Avril Lavigne and singing “So Much for My Happy Ending” or walking around with your cell phone in your hand so you will for sure pick up his call. AND, if he does call you, surprise! What a nice pick me up. Aren’t I just a ray of sunshine?

8. My new philosophy: Don’t waste the pretty. Yes, I totally stole this from a book, but it’s true. Which book? That’s a secret. Or you could just be a huge Sex and the City fan like I am and know about it already. What does it mean? Figure it out. That’s all.

Have any of you seen MTV’s new pseudo dating show, The X Effect? I decided to be a loser this Saturday night, so I stayed home and fell upon this little gold star of a show. Basically, MTV tricks people in new relationships to spend the weekend alone at a romantic resort with their ex-significant other, all while their new boyfriend or girlfriend is spying on them. I was pretty shocked to see a show like this, begging these people to cheat on their bfs/gfs by liquoring them up and treating them to sexy activities, like pole dancing. The whole time I’m watching this shit I’m just like, “Is MTV for real?” Do people really want to be on TV this bad? Just try to put me in a hotel room with an ex-boyfriend; I’m probably either going to kick the shit out of him or walk out. I’ll tell you what I won’t be doing with him though, ESPECIALLY if I have a new boyfriend–sipping mojitos and drinking champagne in a jacuzzi like a grade-A whore.

However, this show HAS to be fake. It fucking has to be. There is no way anyone can sit and watch their boo make out like crazy with another person and STILL decide to stay with them at the end. Either that, or only crazy desperate freaks are on this show and won’t leave their cheating mate for fear of being alone. Just watch this clip and know you’ll know what I’m talking about. And on this particular show the cheatees decide to become the cheaters, yet both couples decide to stay together!!! What the fuck? The most ridiculous quote at the end was when the girlfriend of the cheating guy was just like, “This is your one ‘get out of jail free’ card.” Since when did people get ‘get out of jail free’ cards for cheating? This isn’t Monopoly, you silly bitch! Have some respect for yourself, jesus. Your boyfriend just cheated on you on national television, you could at least push him in the pool. Coward. Worst show ever. Shame on you MTV! FOR SHAME.

Before I begin this post, I’d like to thank my friend for introducing me to the term LCD. You know who you are–Batman and Robin forever, bitch! Moving on…

Now, what is LCD? Usually when we think of LCD, we think in terms of technology–like a LCD screen on a computer or TV. However, this time, we are using LCD like the old school math term, the Lowest Common Denominator. Don’t get lost yet, I’m just getting started. You’re sitting there thinking, “What the fuck is this bitch talking about math for? She ain’t in school.” Or maybe you think more intelligently in your head than I do, I dunno.

Today, the Lowest Common Denominator is that girl in the bar who all the guys try to take home. And no, it’s not because she’s really really good looking or has a sparkling personality. We all know her, it’s the girl who is a little below average or a bit chubby, so we know her self esteem is kinda low and she is always, ALWAYS the sloppiest bitch in the bar. I’m not talking about the striking girl at the bar pounding vodka sodas and patron shots while clearly keeping it together (i.e. me). I mean the chick who can barely stand, who’s talking to people but her head keeps drooping. Usually, if she starts making out with a guy at the bar, he literally has to hold this ho up so she doesn’t slump down into the back booth. (P.s. These scenarios constantly make me think all guys are undercover rapists–sorry.) She might be really loud and giggly between almost passing out, but there is one thing she never is–sexy.

Case in point: My friend and I were at the bar after that horrendous Duke game on Saturday. And lo and behold–there was actually a cute guy. I know, right? There must have been an eclipse or something. Anyways, he comes over to my friend and talks to her, but wait–he wasn’t really talking to her, he was trying to get a pen for his friend to take the number of this chick at the bar. And who could it be? The LCD. We observed this little sitcom carry on for a bit and then realized–it literally looked like there was a line of guys waiting to talk to this girl and her equally wasted friend. And TRUST ME, I would rate these chicks around….5s? I mean, if you like beer guts and child bearing hips, more power to you, but I wasn’t amused. One of the girls actually dropped her phone and started crawling around the floor for like 5 minutes. The funniest part about this was that all the guys trying to talk to her kind of just looked on and snickered as she crawled around looking like she was completely ready to get a train run on her from the back.

We continue to look at the shitshow that is unfolding in front of us and I think we got mad (it could have been the vodka). I was like, “Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? That sloppy bitch has like 8 guys trying to talk to her, and we’re sitting here smashing limes into vodka?” I mean, not that I wanted to talk to any of these DC tools, but what the fuck?! How low are your standards, really? I asked some of my guy friends about this and they were all like, “I mean, he was just trying to bone.” WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BONE AN INCREDIBLY DRUNK NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRL?! This phenomenon is absolutely BEYOND me. And further proves my opinion that all guys are either stupid or rapists. Seek help!!!

P.S. I think the LCD left the bar with the guy who was trying to get her number, who was a West Virginia fan. She was probably his cousin.

And now, without further adieu, the top THREE funky things that come out of dudes’ mouths:

3. Come on girl, you know you want to…

Um, actually, you giant loser, no, I don’t. It’s the 21st century–women feel empowered enough to do whatever the hell we want. Therefore, I don’t need you telling me that I want to do something, because if I wanted to do it, I would. And I don’t need your approval, blessing, or encouragement. Especially when it comes to talking to guys and the like. I promise, if a girl REALLY wants to sleep with you, she will. There may be certain ways to convince her if she initially rejects you, but this phrase is NOT one of them. Try to step your game up a little. What kind of pompous asshole are you anyway? You think girls just stand in line waiting their turn for you? Unless your name is The Rock…I’m going to have to say no. Neeeeext.

2. Asking a girl to lunch/dinner–BEFORE YOU EVEN SAY HI.

Sometimes, I wonder if this ever works. Perhaps on gold digging, really hungry whores, but on the normal population, I doubt it. You haven’t even told the girl your name yet and you already want to dine with her? What? Why would you even set yourself up for a hell date like this? Think of it…by some crazy miracle she says yes…but what you don’t know, is that she’s actually in a cult dedicated to cannibalism and only eats raw beef with her hands and rubs it all over her face. That situation could have been easily avoided if you only took about 10 minutes to talk to the chick before you decided to eat with her. See how I help you?

And the winner… 1. Don’t worry about your boyfriend, I’m in the infantry–I’ll just kill him.

I promise you, some douche actually had the NERVE to say this to me. Talk about a creepy sociopath. It’s cute that you find me so attractive that you’re willing to kill for me, but I’m going to have to decline. How can we start our relationship when you’ll be in prison for murder anyway? I have needs, I can’t do long distance. Weekly visits talking on opposite sides of glass just isn’t enough for me. Also, nice way to disrespect the troops, you jerkoff. Why don’t you save all that energy and your killing ability for someone like, oh, I dunno, Bin Laden? Do your effing job so our troops can go home. P.s. Screw Bush.

Alright kids, that’s all I got. Additional submissions in the comments section would be great. Maybe I can write a book about how stupid guys are and make a shitload of money and bathe myself in handbags and glitter. Chuuuch–did I spell it right?