Twilight: No Wonder Kids Are Fucking Psycho.

18May09

There they are, in those damn trees again.

Although I have been subjected to the terror that is Twilight, not once,  but twice in the literary form, I had never been bored enough to watch the movie. Well kids, today was that day. And I sort of want a vampire to kill me so I can forget that I ever saw this movie. Strangely, I was a fan of the cinematography, but that’s where my positivity ended. The acting itself is retched, a mix between overacting, underacting and mumbling, but seeing the actual story come alive was the worst part.

For those of you who are smart enough to stay away from the Twilight series, it’s about this chick who moves to Forks, Washington, meets this dude and falls obsessively in love with him. Surprise twist, the mofo is a vampire (a vegetarian vampire, no less), which results in chick (Bella) wanting to become a vampire so she can be with him forever. Totally healthy for a 17-year old, right? But let’s get to it. First of all, interestingly enough, Bella has a black dude in her crew at school. That’s all fine and dandy…but do we really think there are black people in Forks, Washington? Come on now, be honest. I’m not being racist, but seriously??? Funny thing is, besides almost killing Bella by hitting her with his car, the dude barely has any lines. Actually, I don’t think anyone has any lines really. The dialogue is filled with awkward silences and sideways glances. It’s obvious that kids apparently have no personality in Forks.

So anyway, at the beginning of the film, Bella and Edward (vampire guy) barely speak at school, although he does save her weird ass a couple of times–they go out once to a restaurant where Edward doesn’t eat (because that wouldn’t make a girl feel fat), Bella figures out he’s a vampire and *BAM* she’s madly in love with him and can’t live without him. Really? Okay, Stephanie Meyer (the author of the Twilight books), I really feel like you’re not setting a good example. Edward creepily comes into Bella’s room at night to watch her sleep without her knowing about it, tells her that she is his life, and all sorts of other shit that sounds crazy coming from a teenager. In fact, it would sound crazy coming from anyone. Bella is no better. She repeatedly freaks out anytime she believes Edward is going to leave her. In fact, it’s pretty much the only time she shows any emotion at all. And weirdly, because Edward and Bella can’t do it (not because they are teenagers, but because Edward won’t be able to “control” himself and will like, eat her or something), I really think that them climbing trees in the movie is symbolism for having sex. It’s really weird, because Edward like, climbs up the tree with Bella on his back and they basically climb around each other while some music is playing. I’m gonna call it tree screwing. Try it sometime. Also, Bella is supposed to be clumsy as shit, yet she’s nimble as a fairy on those damn trees. Sounds fishy to me. Basically, the movie is just pointless. That’s why I don’t really have much to say about it. The actors in it are really lucky, though. I guess it’s cool to be in a movie and get famous because it’s based on a super retarded book when you only have like, five lines. Lucky bastards.

Other things that pissed me off–Cam Gigandet plays the bad vampire, James, in the movie. But they made him look all dirty and shit!!! Like, he has blood under his nails and dirty, tangled long blonde hair. It’s a fucking crime. You can’t make Cam Gigandet look dirty!!! He should have been like, a smooth ass dude. I was annoyed. Also, the kid who plays Jacob in the flick, Taylor Lautner, is pretty hot. And then I Googled him and learned that he’s 17. I feel dirty now–not as dirty as Cam, though. But seriously, have you fucking seen this kid? He can’t keep his shirt on! It’s just WRONG–this 17 year old has like, ridiculous abs–IT’S NOT RIGHT PEOPLE. I need all you guys to take a lesson from Taylor Lautner and get in the gym. Now. And keep going. Repeatedly. Sad thing is, I’ll probably go see New Moon (the sequel), because he’ll probably have his shirt off. Oh, by the way, he’s a werewolf. Surprise!

In conclusion, just stay away from Twilight. If you haven’t read/seen it, don’t start. It’s like a train wreck. Yet, the second book is strangely amusing because Edward isn’t in most of it. That is the only compliment I’ll give. Just stay away, though. It’s scary!!

Filed under: Do not Like, Film   |  1 Comment
Tags: movies, new moon, twilight