So, I’ve been getting a lot of backlash regarding the increase of man bashing that’s been going on in my writing. I mean, what can I say? Certain things have um, inspired me lately. However, I need y’all to calm down a little bit. First of all, it’s really not that serious. Someone told me that I can’t talk about a serious subject, then write it off in jest. Really, I didn’t know I couldn’t do that, sir. Also, I’m not talking about the AIDS epidemic or prisoner torture–I’m talking about fucking dating. Which, fortunately, to me, isn’t that serious. Probably because I never want to get married or have kids, so it’s not really a priority to me. But I digress. Yes, I am quite aware that women are known to do some ridiculous shit as well. I’m not really sure how I’m going to write this, because I usually am involved in friendship situations with chicks and only hear some things about them from my guy friends…but I’ll put in the effort if it’ll make you men calm the eff down. Goodness.
1. Ladies, I really need you to stop trying to steal your friends’ boyfriends. Yea, okay, you thought you were going to meet the dude of your dreams by the time you were 24 and were supposed to get married on the beach in a light blue strapless flowing gown with 300 of your closest friends…ooooh, and then you woke up. So why don’t you suck it up and act like a real friend and frickin’ be happy for your girl? You skank. ALSO, if you get caught, omg, please, PLEASE, do not start crying and begging your friend to still love you and you didn’t mean to do it and you guys should never let a guy come between you….You probably should have thought of that before you started giving him hickies in the back of his pickup. You don’t deserve good friends. Next.
2. What’s up with the unnecessary competition between female friends?! I’m going to have to say, personally, I only like cute people, so I love it when I go out with my girls and they are looking extra fierce. I find it so ridiculous when you walk into a room to meet your friends and one of them goes, “Oh *frown*, aw, you look cuter than me.” What, ho? Dumbest girl shit to say ever. Who’s to blame for that? There are only two possible answers for this: God and you. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, worry about yourself. Shit man. Grow up.
3. This one is really funny to me. Let’s get something straight right now. No one particularly enjoys being overweight. Now, there are some people who might be comfortable with their size, but no one walks into McD’s everyday saying, “Man, I can’t wait to get fat! I love these fucking rolls on the back of my neck!” So ladies, please stop faking and do not a) talk shit about your friends when they are dedicated to fitness and try to make them feel bad about themselves because your ass is too lazy to go to the gym and b) if you are losing weight, whether it’s on purpose or not, do not fucking complain about it. Because, really, who doesn’t like losing weight unless it’s due to a terminal illness? Dummy.
4. Do not try to change a man’s mind regarding how he feels about you or what he’s trying to get out of your relationship. It’s going to bite you in the ass, and in the end the only thing I can say is, “I told you so.” You date a guy for a couple of months and he’s like, “We’re just having fun, I don’t want to have a relationship.” OKAY LADIES. AT THIS MOMENT, you either accept the status of your current relationship or you get the fuck out, and get out quickly. Don’t continue to think, “Maybe if I cook for him enough and show him that I’ll be a good girlfriend he’ll fall in love with me.” Men are hard-headed!! And you were lucky enough to have a guy who didn’t want to lead you on. Leave it alone and move on. Otherwise, you’re just going to start becoming super needy and ridiculous. And baby, we don’t want that. I don’t want that for you.
5. Calling dibs or being super possessive of a guy, when you really have no claim over him. You’re going to look maaaaad ignorant and crazy, not only to the guy you’re directing this towards, but to all your friends as well. And they’re going to talk about you behind your back. And I, personally, am going to giggle at you in your face and call you a crazy ho. Yea I know, especially when you’re drunk as hell you start thinking of all this crazy stuff. I will admit, with alcohol to fuel the fire, I have been like, the queen of developing conspiracy theories in my head. That shit has GOT to stop and usually make no sense when you sober up. So just consider this beforehand and blame it on the alcohol–but ignore it.
6. Do not date a guy who treats you like shit for months, bitch about him to all your friends, which will ultimately make them hate his guts, then CONTINUE to date him!!!! Really, chick? What the fuck? I can’t even feel sorry for you now, and everything bad that I’ve said about guys has been canceled out by your inability to act normal and leave a really shitty situation. And also, here’s another result of your stupid actions–your friends aren’t going to want to be around old boy due to all the shit you said about him, so now you either have to alienate your friends or be one hell of a juggler between your relationship and your friends. So, think. You alienate your friends, and then all you have left is the asshole who’s treating you like shit in the first place. Because that’s healthy. I once had a friend who dated this guy–he didn’t treat her like complete shit, but he was def a little possessive and off. They had the EXACT SAME argument everyday, and she’d always come to me bitching and crying about it. Finally, I told her, “Dude look, if you don’t want to break up with him that’s on you, but seriously, I can’t hear about this anymore. It’s just painful to hear the same thing everyday and nothing is being done to resolve the situation.” SO, she got MAD AT ME because I was being a bad friend because I didn’t want to listen to her whining anymore. Yea, that was one of the reasons I realized her ass was crazy. We no longer speak.
7. Getting mad at the chick your boyfriend is cheating on you with if she didn’t know about you. I mean, it’s a definite possibility that he said he didn’t have a girlfriend in order to get in the other chick’s pants. So honestly, I know it sucks, but it’s really not her fault. It can be hard not to lunge for the person that you have a better chance of beating up when you walk in on them in bed or something, but just let the poor girl get dressed and leave. However, if she knew that you were the guy’s girlfriend and is blatantly trying to take your man, super soak both of them with vinegar (lol, I just thought of that, oh man, they’d stink SO BAD! giggle) and proceed to leave and saunter down the street like the sexy little minx you are.
8. Ladies, please, for the love of God, stop keying cars, slashing tires, busting windows out of cars, any of that mess. I blame Jazmine Sullivan and Carrie Underwood for this shit. They do it in music videos and look all hot and badass fucking up a dude’s shit because he deserves it, but let me make this very clear: THIS DOES NOT TRANSLATE INTO REAL LIFE. And furthermore, it’s not even very creative (see vinegar example above, now THAT is hilarious). I think I draw the line at egging stuff (not that I’ve ever done that…) because at least with eggs, they suck to clean up, but there’s usually no permanent damage. But doing anything that involves a weapon or costs a shitload of money to fix, really, you’re just doing too much. I mean, when people hear the story they will probably find it hilarious, but not in a funny haha way, more of a daaaaamn that’s hilarious that ho is crazy way. Just sayin. Do yourself a favor, and if someone pisses you off that badly that you need to do some shit like that, have them exit your life. Quickly.
9. Stop acting shady, then acting like a victim when people get pissed at you. You know damn well what you were trying to do, so why don’t you just man up about it and respond with a, “Yea, I did that shit. And what of it nuckas!” Personally, I’m going to respect you way more than if you make up some other bullshit about how you had no idea that someone would be upset by what you did or you didn’t know you couldn’t do that or you didn’t think that was disrespectful. Just hush it up and go out like a G. For some reason, women never want to look aggressive or like they are capable of being spiteful on purpose. But, newsflash, we ARE SPITEFUL. Don’t deny it! Just know when you can bring it out. Strategy, ladies…
10. Don’t do really really slutty things, then get upset when people call you a slut. Like, really bitch, are you kidding?! Don’t let the football team run a train on you and then get defensive when other nice guys don’t want to date you or chicks start whispering about you. You brought that on yourself. And why would you even think that is okay?!?!?! EW girl! Just ew!
I know this wasn’t as angry as my rants usually are, but I’m sorry, it’s really hard to hate on my own gender! I also had way less examples. Hopefully, this helped you all come to the conclusion that no, I don’t spend all day thinking of ways to hate men, I hate everyone!!! Duh.
Filed under: Dating, Friends, Love | 3 Comments
Tags: crazy, Dating, jerks, women
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Women are Batshit Crazy Part Too:
1. #10: Don’t do really really slutty things, then get upset when people call you a slut.
This is clearly an understatement that only can be even more understated when read out loud by GPS giving instructions. If you’re a slut, simply say it, and spray it. I and most men don’t care, it only makes the job easier of knowing what lies ahead, sorta like a synopsis in a movie. Overally though, girls should embrace their inner sluts, call a spade a spade, if you like trying out all the different flavors in a pack of fruit snacks, just say so.
2. Please come clean.
My favorite complaint from women is that “oh he didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend” ….well the game is played both ways. Crazy as it sounds, girls don’t tell guys that they have boyfriends either. This is only cool when girl satisfies condition #1, cuz I really hate calling two days later to find this info out.
3. I can’t do, what you don’t ask me to do.
Really, stop complaining to me about how I don’t do shit, when I don’t know that you wanted to do that particular shit in the first place. Seriously, if we chill all the time and watch a movie, how am I supposed to know that you wanted to go out, when you already agreed to conditions that were previously established.
4. If you play games, and expect me to come crawling back, I won’t !!!
This applies to simply dating, or gf’s, pretty much any situation, when a guy learns to say “Next,” then games can no longer be played. Simply replace said girl.
************************LAST BUT NOT LEAST****************************
5. VERY IMPORTANT: Do you know that most girls put themselves in situations where their accompanying man could potentially fight someone, kick someone’s ass, get his ass kicked, get knifed, thrown in the slammer, or get beat up by a bouncer? …..and the girl still puts themselves in those situations.
Really, See #9 of your previous post, and lets just run a little scenario:
1. Girl goes to the bar by her self, when knowingly on a date, with her boyfriend, or on a group date, or just in the presence of interested guy.
2. Girl approaches another guy flirtatiously, she could be drunk, playing games, interested in another dude, (If interested guy is not her bf, girl usually thinks, we’re not serious, together, or any other synonym for why I can be a complete fick (female dick))
3. Guy at bar does something that girl doesn’t like. This won’t happen initially because guy at bar shows interest and behaves accordingly. Dancing may occur and a little while later guy gets overcome by alcholic confidence and moves his hand where its not supposed to be. Girl gets upset, and call interested guy to her aid.
Interested Guy has two choices:
a.) Going gangsta and fighting this fool…..which he may when or may lose because he showed up there with only the girl, and the other dude has friends. But lets just say he wins, fine. He gets charged with A&B and thrown in jail only to be ass fucked, over some childish dissrespectful shit that this little chick pulled off.
b.) Keeping it classy. Next! So guy finds another girl at the bar or on the dance floor. Or just plain leaving. I prefer this method, because only good can happen from it: you find someone new who probably will respect you more and because of sleep cuz sleep is always good.
Choose option B. Because even if aggressive guy doesn’t do something stupid, and she says “oh we were just dancing” you can easily say “well I was just flirting with this girl at the bar, and now I’ve got her number, Cya.” More importantly, if you choose option B, you teach the girl a lesson, that even if she calls you back a couple days later and whines, you’ve moved on, and better yet, she won’t do the same to Interested Guy #2, while you’re getting it on with girl you approached at the bar.
I’m Done.
George, I appreciate this and agree. However…for #5 and the scenario, what kind of crazy chicks are you dealing with??? I think the ONLY time I ever sicced my boyfriend on a dude was when I was in college (I went to a really preppy college) and a dude like, pushed me in the bar, knocked off my hat and called me a bitch. Yea, sorry, I think that warrants an ass whoopin’. The scenario you depicted…does not. Doing too much. Also, I definitely think it is wrong to flirt with another guy if you’re on a date, even if the guy you are with is not your boyfriend…but, in mutual friend outings and such, it’s really up to his behavior. And no, I don’t really think it’s playing a “game” (as long as she doesn’t go too far, ’cause she could end up looking terrible), but I wouldn’t change my regular behavior (if I go out to the club/bar and dance with guys, I wouldn’t refrain from this b/c interested guy is present) for a guy who isn’t giving me the time of day while we’re out anyway…I guess that’s when I should just say next?
Pysch not done.
6.) Ask me to look in their face, put on a cool look and then proceed to lie about shit in general.
A girl can tell me a story involving her girlfriend, one in which her girlfriend was completely in the right, and if I dear utter the words, “you were in the wrong,” then I wouldn’t get a word for the rest of the night.
7.) Get into arguments with me, for the sake of getting into arguments with me.
A guy can never be super cool, why is this? If everything is going straight, then there’s something wrong and drama needs to be created to make it right. This is why nice guys finish last. Girls need drama, not excitement, not fun, but a real need to break up the image of a perfect situation.
If you’re a guy, you only have one option. To create drama that causes the least amount of damage. Just make up something that you wouldn’t be thinking about in a week, “why were u late, i can’t stand being late” … “you know I hate greek, I refuse to eat there, we’re going to eat mexican tonight” …. “I gotta cancel tonight, the game is on”
Now i’m done.