Men are BATSHIT Crazy.

24Apr09

So, I just turned 26, and unfortunately I’ve dated many men in my day. And also unfortunately, with the exception of one or two, they have all turned out to be exceptionally batshit crazy. Why, you ask? “Are you sure you didn’t do anything?” I PROMISE you, I have saved texts/emails/multiple forms of communication, consulted my guy and girl friends, who are totally okay with telling me when I am being crazy, and they have ALL confirmed that these guys truly are, BATSHIT crazy. I was going to make a top ten list about this, but I realized that all these reasons are equally BATSHIT crazy. Here it goes, if you’re mad about this, don’t tell me, fucking FIX IT. JUST FIX IT. FIN.

1. After you call/text/email us multiple times and we don’t respond, you continue to attempt to contact us–WHY?!?!?! If a girl did this to you, you’d be running to your subpar friends talking about how a crazy ho is stalking you. Yet, you think it is perfectly fine to do this. No, sorry to break it to you, it’s not. And while you’re doing this, did you know that she is showing all of your communications to her friends, laughing at and jeering you? Yea, Poindexter, it’s fucking happening. Here’s a great rule for you: Contact the bitch once, if she doesn’t respond, DO NOT contact her again. Sorry but, we’re chicks, we don’t “forget” guys have called us. We don’t pretend to be so busy that we missed your call and forgot that it happened, promise. Just leave that ho alone, move on. Kthx.

2. If you do not make any attempt to contact a chick, and in turn, she does not contact you either, DO NOT contact her accusing her of being mad/ignoring you. Damn, I’m sorry, you didn’t know? We actually have lives and don’t have the urge to stalk you every chance we get. See rule above. Contact for contact. No repeated attempts. Jesus, I swear to GOD, guys are so fucking stupid and want  to have their cake and eat it too. A girl contacts you a bunch, she’s a stalker (so I’ve heard, because I follow the rule), she doesn’t contact you, she’s standoffish. WHY ARE YOU SO CRAZY?! Get your shit together and learn how to express emotions. That is all. Loser.

3. Do not act like an asshole, then get offended when we stop talking to you. It’s beneath you, really. We are all aware of the passive aggressive breakup. We’ve all done the passive aggressive breakup. Don’t “pretend” to be hurt. Actually, it’d be absolutely fucking awesome if you said, “Thank the Lord, because I was tiring of you.” Don’t play that fallen soldier shit. You know it’s bullshit, we know it’s bullshit. Let the shit go. Thanks.

4. Do not continue to flirt with chicks in front of us, then get mad when we flirt with dudes. Here’s a thought, and seriously, I want you to think about this HARD–I want you to ponder this shit. MEDITATE to it. If you are dating a smart girl, she will only give you what you give her. That walk all over us shit is sooooo 2000 and late. Honestly, 9 times out of 10, you’re not that great. Moving on. I gotta make these shorter, because this can get long REALLY quick.

5. How come guys can only actually show respect (even if it’s a little) to their girlfriends? Yea, we know we aren’t your girl, but at the same time, that doesn’t give you an excuse to blow us off, flake on things, or act retarded without any explanation. Yes, I have read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I’m fine with that. So why are you talking at all? Just get rid of the chick, Jesus. Is there something about guys that they always need to be pissing off a girl? I have blown off plenty of men, and have no qualms whatsoever with just dropping them. Yea, they probably called me a bitch to their friends, but at least I’m honest. Get over yourself. Next.

6. Punching walls. What the FUCK is up with that. It’s like, “Hey, ooooh, I’m so angry, let me punch this hard thing that doesn’t fight back, but will still beat me. ‘Cause I’m so fucking smart.” You idiot. Why can’t you punch a pillow? Or at least hit something that doesn’t like, fuck up your fist and make you look like a crazy homeless person when you go to work. You’re crazy. Stop it. It’s stupid–you’re an adult. Save that shit for high school. Really, it’s not cute. And not at all a turn on. Who wants to hook up with a dude with bloody fists??? Not this chick. Pass.

7. Married men of the world. Please stop trying to pick up chicks that are half your age, especially if you don’t want to buy us apartments, Prada, or Chanel bags. ‘Cause really, what are you really offering me? And I LOVE how guys will sit there and act like being married is no big deal. Are you effing kidding? You made a vow, before GOD, about how you’re going to love your wife and be faithful to her for the rest of your life. I don’t know about you, but I’m not fucking with God. I don’t need that shit on my conscience. Leave all us young, hot, single chicks the eff alone. Sorry you married a hag, but that’s your problem.

8. Apologizing for crazy shit with more crazy shit. LOL. This is going to generate a VERY specific story. So my friend had this stalker, and he truly was a stalker. He used to come to our bar and stare at her for hours on end, without saying ANYTHING. It was so weird, and everyone noticed. However, before she realized he was a stalker, she went on one date with him (this conjures another crazy thing), so he had her info. One night, while he is stalking her, I went up to him and was like, “Dude, cut the shit. We all know you’re stalking my friend. Just stop.”  So, what does he do?? Sends her flowers the next day at work, apologizing for his inappropriate behavior. Because that’s not scary and creepy at all. Ew.

9. Going on one date with a girl, then acting like she is your girlfriend and no one else can talk to her. Really? I just…don’t get it. I know, for a fact (because I have a TON of guy friends), that if a girl did this she’s getting put in the crazy category STAT. Then why is it okay for you to act like you own me? Yea, naw son, it’s not going down like that. If you think that I’m bowing down to you because you bought me a burger from TGIFriday’s, you are SADLY mistaken. I don’t even like to go out to eat, so what did you do for me?! NOTHING. Go. Away. Kthx.

10. Revealing ridiculous secrets like they are no big deal, because you expect women to be so freaking understanding. Note, I will say this again. You. Are. Crazy. Telling us that you never graduated college because you stabbed a guy and got suspended. Telling us that you best friend is in prison. Telling us that you have an ex-girlfriend who slashed your tires and fucked up your car (yea, because we really want to get on her bad side). Telling us that you went to jail just because you “fit the description.” Yea right, motherfucker. Leave that shit in the vault. Because, really, I’m not trying to hear it. Actually, no. PLEASE tell me, so I can run away from you AS FAST AS POSSIBLE and never look back. Goodness golly. You crazy losers.

Maybe it’s just the DC area. Maybe it’s just the places I go and the people I meet. But really? Seriously? I don’t need all this hassle. Get your shit together, bitches.

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