As many of you know, I have a kind of love-love relationship with alcohol. If it weren’t considered an addictive disease, I’d be drinking right now. Because I mean, like, who wouldn’t want to be doing work with a little happy buzz instead of being cold as shit and feeling half asleep? This girl, that’s who. However, I’m going to have to cut back a little on the happiness, because this is just not good for my waistline. To give you more of an idea of how damaging my practices are, let me outline a typical night on the town–

Step 1: Attempt to get ready as quickly as possible, but take 2 hours due to multiple fashion crises involving outfit, shoes and accessories.

Step 2: Preparty for the bar with the crew, usually with some Jack D or vodka of some sort (I know, right? Who does that?). Hilarity ensues as we watch MTV Jams.

Step 3: Arrive at bar already feeling a little buzzed (i.e. half retarded), forget to count all the drinks I have previously had and act like I’m just starting. Take a shot for luck and obtain a vodka soda with lime.

Step 4: After consuming 2 more drinks, mosey on down to the dance floor, where I saunter up to the DJ and request 5 songs in order of preference–currently starting with “Damaged” by Danity Kane and ending with “Bossy” by Kelis.

Step 5: Obtain an unsuspecting lad to perform my Jezebel dance, which involves a lot of “dropping it like it’s hot” and Carmen Electra booty shakes while “Love in This Club” plays, while continuing to retrieve numerous drinks. He is smitten. When “Don’t Stop Believin’” comes on, attempt a Circle of Friendship dance with my homies; fist pumps and mosh hops ensue.

Step 6: Smile sweetly when unsuspecting lad asks for my phone number, coming up with a “cute” excuse about me hating phones/dating/boys, but tell him he’s nice. However, if a shot of Patron is bought, he may have a chance. Extra boy scout points if he buys shots for my friends too. We toast and everyone is giddy. It is now time to switch to beer for last call.

Step 7: Leave the bar, feeling ravenous and ready to eat whatever is put in front of me. Food choices usually consist of Taco Bell/McDonald’s/7-11/diner food, and most recently, cheesesteaks! Eat 100% of my recommended daily caloric intake, again, adding about 30 extra grams of fat and 2,000 mg of sodium.

Step 8: “Fall asleep” on someone’s couch/floor/aerobed with half a burrito or some other gross food in my hand. Often, I fall asleep with gum in my mouth, which is totally safe for an intoxicated person…**crickets**

Step 9: Wake up the next day, weigh myself, cry. Realize I am still a little drunk, so I have beer for breakfast. Ah, that’s better.

Step 10: Either attempt to gym or just give up for the day since I have a hangover and need greasy food to live. I mean, have you ever gotten over a hangover eating spinach? Didn’t think so.

Step 11: Check in with the crew to make sure everyone is alive and ask where all the bruises on my legs came from. Hear extremely hilarious stories about someone throwing up, passing out or making out at the bar. Giggle and express the true love I hold in my heart for my silly friends.

Step 12: If it’s now Saturday, start over at Step 1.

Yea, that sounds about right. Please feel free to lecture me as necessary.