Hey guys, so something happened to my friend today that I found so utterly ridiculous I just had to write something pertaining to it. We can call this my 7 year update on the Friend Zone. Who knows, maybe in another 7 years I’ll be writing the marriage zone. Umm…gross, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Anyway, here is goes, 8 tips for the Hook-Up Zone. Unlike the Friend Zone, these are mostly for women, but I guess they apply to both.

1. This one should totally go without saying, but play “Full Life.” Yes, we all know games are for children, but with this one, you’re really playing for keeps. If you already have plans with friends on Saturday and the guy you’re dating calls you on Friday night to go out on Saturday, DO NOT CANCEL WITH YOUR FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH HIM. Do not! First of all, you’ll look like an ass in front of your friends. Sure, they might support you dating this dude, but don’t you have a life too? I’ll bet you $100 he’s not canceling guys’ night out to go see The Notebook with you. If he really likes you, he’ll get over it and learn to ask you out with reasonable notice. Or, he’ll accept that you’ll get up with him later that night (i.e. booty call, if you’re into that).

2. Unless he is your “already had the exclusive talk” boyfriend, do NOT get pissed at him, freak out, or turn into a MySpace stalker if you see that other girls are calling/talking to/IMing him. DO NOT. I know, it’s hard, but this is one you really have to leave to venting with the girls. Wanna know why? Well, first of all, you have no idea where this girl comes from or what their status is. She could be his cousin for all you know. Also, you just look plum crazy and possessive, and he’ll probably let his girl friend in on your little tirade. What if that’s his BFF from 2nd grade who he goes to for advice about everything? Congrats, shitface, she now hates you. Oh, and she’s probably laughing at you right now and calling you a psycho chickenhead bi-atch. Niiice.

3. Do NOT drunk dial with this message or conversation starter: “Oh my god! Hey _____. So me and my friends were at this club and all these guys were trying to talk to me but all I could think about was how much I wanted you and ohmigod I miss you and I think you should come over tonight because I really can’t sleep if you’re not in bed with me and you smell so good and I think I love you you’re so hot!!!” So we’ve all drunk dialed before, and we’ve all looked crazy. I don’t know about you, but looking crazy pisses me off more than anything, especially when it comes to men. And I don’t mean cute goofy crazy, I mean “wow that girl needs someone to talk to” crazy. Save yourself the trouble.

4. Date other guys. Why? Why not, ho-bag?! If you’re as spankin’ hot as you say you are, you should have guys lining up at your door to date you. Why would you put all your eggs in one basket? If he’s so great, I’m sure there are at least 3 other girls who dig him…so do your thing. It’ll keep your mind off of all that loving crap. And no, I’m not telling you to sleep with the entire Ravens’ offensive line. I said date; told you that you were a ho-bag. :oP

5. Don’t call him your boyfriend unless he calls you his girlfriend first. I know, they shouldn’t get to call all the shots, but for some reason, this label freaks out guys waaay more than girls. If a guy calls you his girlfriend, and you’re not, what do you say? “Oh, that’s cute…I didn’t know that’s what you call me when I’m not around…haha” Guys are like, “Oh naw hell no I’m not her boyfriend…what’s her name again? I forget. Oooh that girl over there is hot. Ciao.” Alright, guys don’t say ‘ciao.’ I don’t know, guys are crazy. Everything freaks them out. I’d much rather be freaked out than freak someone out. But that’s just me. By the way, do you like the movie Single White Female?

6. If you are MARRIED, do not try to “hang out” with a single, attractive person of the opposite sex. Don’t tell them that your marriage isn’t going so well (does she know that?), that you just want “have some laughs” and think they are cool (don’t you have friends for that?) or that you aren’t the kind of person to get drunk and hit on someone—but they are super cute (okay so clearly you can hit on them while sober). You just wanted to let them know that. OH, and if they don’t want to hang out anymore once they find out that you had a wedding and took vows and ate cake and shit, don’t act like it’s their fault. What kind of retard are you? You shouldn’t even be TRYING to be in the hook-up zone. Get back in the marriage zone! What is wrong with you?!

7. Don’t expect a guy to call you. Isn’t that sad? I know, I know, it’s extremely pessimistic. But, at least if he doesn’t call you, you won’t be at home listening to Avril Lavigne and singing “So Much for My Happy Ending” or walking around with your cell phone in your hand so you will for sure pick up his call. AND, if he does call you, surprise! What a nice pick me up. Aren’t I just a ray of sunshine?

8. My new philosophy: Don’t waste the pretty. Yes, I totally stole this from a book, but it’s true. Which book? That’s a secret. Or you could just be a huge Sex and the City fan like I am and know about it already. What does it mean? Figure it out. That’s all.