West Coast Confusions
Okay, so I moved to LA, and I really like it. Let’s get that out of the way–all of you people can stop asking me if I love or still love it. Even if I hated it, I’d tell you I loved it, because I’m not sure why you’re on my junk like that. So stop. Next person to ask me that question is getting verbally abused. Just so you know. Anyways, so even though I love it, there are some “cultural shocks” that make like, no fucking sense to me. Like, they’re mind blowing–in the bad way. For instance, people don’t walk here, although the city is TOTALLY walkable. When did half a mile become so far you needed to drive when you have sidewalks and pedestrian signals? Seriously? And I know you’re going to In N’ Out, your ass needs to walk. Get it together. Furthermore, there seems to be this weird obsession here with people and ethnicity/race. Never have I had so many people ARGUE with me about what I am made up of when I tell them I’m black. Apparently, that’s not an acceptable answer. Oh sorry excuse me, let me say I’m 1/16 white and 1/16 native american, because that shit counts so much. Get the fug outta here. Y’all are trippin. Okay, and those aren’t even the worst offenses. The worst happened to me today at the grocery store, and I was REALLY confused because I’ve been to the grocery store multiple times and don’t feel like I had changed anything, so maybe the way the line was going was just different today. Okay, here’s what happened:
I was going to the self check out line at Ralph’s, ie, the Cali version of Kroger. As I approached the line, I see that people are in line, but no one is in the last aisle. Like, there was no one there. Initially, I thought that both of the check out thingies were out of order, I saw that one was, but the closest one seemed fine. I was a little confused, but I was like ummm okay, and go to that one. Instantly, this douchebag with a longboard in his cart (yes, for real, there was a long board in his cart. And wait, not just one, but TWO–womp womp) like, runs over to where I am, yelling at me like, “What’s the deal, there’s one line for the whole section, wtf?” So I look at him like, seriously, “Wait, seriously? Since when?” And he’s like, “UH, since always, so you need to move and let me go.” Wait a fucking minute. First off, I definitely lingered by the machine for a sec to see if anyone was going to go to it, and no one did. Dude, I’m sorry if you’re too high to realize when there’s a machine open, but that shit’s not my fault. Let’s keep it moving, people. EFFICIENCY IS KEY. But, back to my story. So I look at this dude, and okay, apparently this is something I wasn’t aware of, and normally, I would have been more than happy to apologize and move, but this little shit was like freaking out on me for no reason. Incorrect and incongruent. Learn how to speak to me. So I say, “Umm…yea…so if that’s the case I’ll move, but yea…I need to you slow your roll – I’m not sure who you think you’re talking to like that. You need to calm it down.” And he’s just like, “Well you need to move.” Like, totally rude for NO reason.
So in my final desire to always have the last word (yea, y’all know I’m like that), I say, “Alright you idiot, I’ll move. Learn how to talk to people. Dumbass.” And then, LOL, the cashier overseeing the self check out is like, “Oh, ma’am, this one’s open.” Soooo….I still didn’t wait in line, I was finished checking out BEFORE this douche, who started yelling at the associate about where the entry was for potatoes…and was on my merry way in less than two minutes. Like really, son, you’re doing too much. It’s not that serious. AND REALLY, what kind of grocery store has ONE LINE for the entire self checkout!? I’ve been frequenting grocery stores for many years, and yea…there is always a line for each AISLE, not the whole damn thing. Except for CVS, but they make that shit clear. That was probably one of the dumbest conversations I’ve ever had. I’m like, actually dumber now for speaking to that guy.
So yea, I fucking love Cali. But this goes to show you–Douchebags are universal. You can’t escape them.
Filed under: Do not Like, Losers | Leave a Comment
Tags: douchebags
Fox Network, Y’all Ain’t Right.
Before I write this post, I’d like to make a disclaimer that any anger you have should not be geared towards ME, it should be geared towards Fox for putting this hot ass mess on TV, so please, don’t come hollerin’ at me about how I’m so horrible and should be driven to Hell in a handbasket or force fed 900 Big Macs. Seriously, if you haven’t watched this crap, you don’t know that Fox had NO PLACE putting this shit on TV. At first, when I was angry at the hating on thinner chicks, I was cracking up, but as the show went on I was just like, “No, this is wrong. Fox, it’s one thing to represent the ‘regular population,’ but it’s completely different to EXPLOIT them and make them look absolutely desperate and pitiful on national television. You know damn well that was wrong. Wow.”
So, when I first started watching “More to Love,” I got a little angry. The first four chicks or so were all hating on thinner women, which I think is fucked up. It’s mean and “cruel” if a thin woman insults a “bigger” woman, but they can go to town acting like we don’t eat and “who wants a stick” and all this mess. This is bullshit. It’s a complete double standard for it to be okay for larger women to insult thin women and no one bats an eyelash. So far, I’m done with this shit. People were already calling me insensitive. Insensitive to what??? The fact that you decided to get the taco shell with your taco salad (which is fucking delicious, by the way) and I didn’t?! Boundaries ladies, boundaries. Trust, thin girls eat, we just understand that women’s metabolisms SUCK and we can’t eat all that shit and not work out and still look lovely. SAD BUT TRUE. Get over it.
However, as the show went on, I just started feeling, almost sorry for these chicks, yes, almost. I thought it was stupid that they were complaining about dudes being assholes to them when HELLO, guys are assholes to ALL CHICKS, not just overweight ones, please stop trying to make excuses and have some damn self esteem. Still, when some of them talked about never going on a date and shit like that, I was like, “Good lord, Fox has really fucked up this time. This is some terrible shit.” I love that Fox advertised this show as they did, then decided to completely reveal all the insecurities of these women on the FIRST SHOW. Actually, it was pretty twisted. Furthermore, I’m not sure why so many of the conversations the participants had were based on food…like really, fat people only talk about grilling and eating and food? Wow, that’s real limited, Fox. In fact, it’s a hot mess. Yes, I said it. Seriously, we all know there is that one crazy eliminated chick that will cry on the first show, but the rest of them are usually like, “Eff this dude, obvi he didn’t know what he was looking for and I’m awesome so he can go somewhere. Forget him!” This, my friends, is the reaction I want to see. Come on girlie, you don’t know dude from wherever, WHY are you crying over him. Womp womp. These chicks were calling this fat dude an angel and all this bogus shit–whatever. Don’t hate on me, YES HE IS FAT. He weighs over 350 lbs. Ie, fat. Also, the fact that he is fat completely kills the notion of a man with a “regular” woman. Fox is like, “Oh, the skinny people have to stay together and the fats have to stay together.” THIS. IS. BULLSHIT.
Overall, seriously, in ALL SERIOUSNESS, this show was too much. It portrayed every stereotype of overweight women, which really got me thinking….can Fox even make a show that’s not based on stereotypes??? If not, this is just sad. Fox, get some new producers/writers/executive VPs. Y’all lost me on reality TV. Step it up, please. Not everyone is this stupid. Seriously. Fox is the new mainstream America BET. Ugh.
Filed under: Do not Like | 2 Comments
Tags: fox, More to love, tv
Oh downtrodden woman, this is my ode to you. As you stand on the metro, not looking tired, not unclean, not totally gross, just…downtrodden. Your hair could use a comb-why did you relax it if you aren’t going to style it? I hope you didn’t pay a stylist to do that to your head. Is that a mat of hair by your temple? What are you, a dog whom needs grooming? Just saying, some leave in conditioner and a flat iron can work wonders. Take heed, downtrodden woman. Your purple toe nail polish, that you are obviously too old to be wearing. It is slightly chipped on your stubby toes and un-matching to your ensemble…take heed, downtrodden woman. You bent down at a metro stop to engulf a piece of your cream cheese bagel bite, starving so at 8am. You bit your food like a ravenous beast after the kill, not even attempting to savor your meal. Eat a real breakfast, downtrodden woman. The piece of cream cheese that fell-you tried to scratch out the stain on your teal shirt, but ah, you sly one, I can still see it! Perhaps you should stop on the way to work and get a Tide pen, downtrodden woman.
Downtrodden woman, it is Friday, almost the weekend, no need to look so glum. I ponder why you aren’t wearing any makeup, not that you are ugly, but everyone can use a little wake me up eyeliner in their life. That’s good advice, I hope someone tells you today at work, downtrodden woman. You think I am insulting you, which could not be further from the truth. I celebrate you, downtrodden woman, I see the symbolism in you, the warning you scream at me, it’s seeping out of your pores-”Don’t get married, you’ll end up like me!” I hear you loud and clear-thanks, downtrodden woman.
Filed under: Tales of the Tunnel | 1 Comment
Tags: metro, people
Okay, so I totally caved and got EA Sports Active for my Wii. I’m always looking for new (funner) ways to work out, and this seemed like a good idea, especially during bikini season! Today was my very first workout, so I filled out my profile and got to it. First of all, I have to say that I think the calorie counter is complete BS, because it said that it took me 30 minutes to burn 141 calories, which is sorta wack. Come on, I was sweaty! But I digress, on to the workouts…
The Cardio: The cardio I did mainly consisted of running/walking (mostly running for me b/c I picked the high intensity workout) and running kick backs (running while literally kicking your own ass). There’s nothing really to the running part, just running in place, but the kick backs–maaaan. It’s not that they are hard, but they make you do them for like, three minutes at a time. Have you tried kicking your own ass for three full minutes? It’s a lot of quad work. These remind me of the one minute cardio intervals they have on some of my fitness DVDs…but this…is three minutes, hence the pain!
The Toning: Lunges and Squats: Self-explanatory, you do them holding the wiimote and the nunchuck in your leg. They usually make you do 20, which is pretty good–I think I ended up doing 2 sets each of squats and side lunges, maybe 3. 80+ butt toners in a video game? Not bad. My Luli Fama bikini thanks you, EA.
Lifting: Bicep curls, some shoulders, triceps…pretty standard stuff for the most part. The most annoying things about these exercises is you have to be sure to keep the wiimote facing where they say. Otherwise your trainer (mine is the dude, he’s sorta a douche) will tell you to focus, and I’m like GET OFF ME I’M DOING IT. But hey, at least to fix it, I had to do more reps. Nothing wrong with a little extra work. Also, everyone who keeps complaining about the lack of resistance with the band that came with the game, you can usually increase resistance by making the band shorter, ie tighter. So get on it and quit whining. Kthx. Also though, I really do wish the trainer didn’t hold the reps for as long as he did. I’m not really sure that I’m supposed to be holding a front row for like, 5 seconds before I can drop my shoulders back down. If I throw out my shoulder, EA is getting a letter. No joke.
Sport Games: Aight, now we’re getting into the nitty gritty! First of all, every time I play these freakin’ games I realize that I LOVE boxing. I just picture a bitch’s face I don’t like and I’m like, pa-dow, take that! I haven’t gotten to the speed bag yet, but I did the target boxing, which gives you regular punches and hooks. My left hook is mean, son! Watch out! The other sport I did was “inline skating,” which is HARD AS BALLS because it’s basically squatting in order to give your avatar speed, holding the squat until you get to the ramp, then JUMPING to complete your trick. Okay, my problem came because I had to jump up at the exact right time, which is hard to do once you get tired. After the first few squats/jumps, my avatar was definitely skatin’ mad slow because I wasn’t really tryin’ to keep holding that squat. I’m sure my quads are gonna kill tomorrow. But like always, anything in the name of fitness. 
)
I’m going to go back and try out some more games now. Hopefully being bored enough to play this game will get me ready for July 4th weekend. You might ask, “You lazy ho, why don’t you just go to the gym?” Don’t get it twisted, I’ll be in the gym too, but doing some kind of physical activity without it actually being “working out” is always a nice option. However, I don’t think I would exactly call this game fun. EA isn’t messin’ around. And I like that.
UPDATE: So I did another workout (I believe it was called the Athlete in You), and got to do basketball, tennis and volleyball. These were fun, although not very challenging. I made sure to incorporate my lower body into the workouts as well to keep it full body. Basketball included passing and shooting (I’m a beast), tennis was basically just hitting the ball (similar to Wii Tennis, but you had to do different arm movements for different kinds of shots), and volleyball was serving, bumping, setting and blocking. Man, do I suck at serving. I kept missing the ball like a loser. However, I’m the ish at bumping and setting. I think my shoulders are going to get buff. Additionally, I also added in a few workouts I wanted to try, like dancing. Dancing is easy–you just move your arms when it’s the right time in the correct direction. Make sure you jump around to get more cardio in. I found it hilarious when they told you to do moves like the shopping cart, lawmower and other silly moves. I bet you’d pay to watch me do those. It’s rather amusing!
And the day after…
Holy goodness, I am sore. I’m sure it is mostly from doing like, a billion squats and lunges and a ton of arm exercises, but man, my arms and butt are killing me! I also like how my abs are sore, and I didn’t even do any ab work! I’m thinking this is from the boxing part of the exercises. I work out consistently, so I’m constantly changing up my workout in order to trick my body into working harder. Overall, I’m liking the intensity of the exercises given. Alternating the sport exercises with cardio and toning gives you a lot of variety and I think really helps get your heart rate up. I was totally sweating (like, dripping sweat–the hardest part about doing the lifting exercises is that I didn’t want to move and get yelled at by my trainer, but there was sweat in my eye!) and I’m sore, so that’s two pluses for what I want out of a workout. I’m not going to sub these for my running intervals, but I’m def going to add them in.
Filed under: Fitness, Tech, Video Games | Leave a Comment
Tags: EA, exercise, Fitness, Video Games, wii, working out
2009 Dating Application
Ladies, my gift to you. Next time you are going on a date, simply have him fill out this application, and be on your way to dating bliss. Or kicking his wack ass to the curb.
Name:
Age:
Height:
Weight:
Physical Build (i.e. athletic, thin, toned, meathead, too much to love):
College/Major:
Occupation:
Hours/Days You Work in a Week:
Political Affiliation:
Do you have any kids? If yes, do they live with you?
How many days do you work out in a week?
How much can you bench press?
How often do you eat out or eat fast food?
What kind of music do you like? Please be as specific as possible.
Can you dance? Sober or drunk?
How many nights do you go out a week?
What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
Do you like Harry Potter or Twilight?
What are your thoughts on Kobe Bryant?
What is your favorite NFL football team?
What extracurricular activities and/or sports do you engage in?
Please indicate what you would wear (top, bottom, footwear) at the following venues: a) a sporting event during the day, b) an after work happy hour, c) a dive-type bar (i.e. Adam’s Morgan, College Park), d) a lounge, e) a bar in Bethesda, f) Dewey Beach and/or Ocean City, g) a house party, h) a cookout.
Name the preferred activity–Text Messaging, Calling, Email:
Finish the scenario–You’re out at a bar solo with a girl, it’s around 11pm and her friends are around the corner. She wants them to come meet up with you guys. How do you respond?
What is the appropriate time of day to cease wearing flip flops, if at all?
Do you have any extra incentives (i.e. a boat, a beach house, a pool, etc)?
Finish the scenario–You’re out with your friends and a date, and for some reason, your friend is being completely inappropriate to your date, whether they are being rude, flirtatious, whatever. How do you react?
At this time in your life, what do you feel you want out of a relationship?
In your opinion, when is it acceptable to wear Crocs?
Now, from dude’s reactions to previous posts, I am not stupid enough to actually reveal what a guy has to put to go to the second round of the application process. Just print this out and go! Remember to say I sent you. Errr…or not?
xoxo
Filed under: Dating, Love | Leave a Comment
Tags: application, Dating, resume
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